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I Am Tired Of Feeling This Way... I've Had Enough

I'm a gay male. I've just turned 21. I go to college five days a week and  work on the weekends. 

I recently broke up with someone I loved and cared for very much. He was not only my lover, he was my best friend. He is six years older. I don't really connect with a lot of people my age. I consider myself to have a social anxiety disorder and that links with my depression. I only have three or four people who I consider friends right now and that is usually how it has been all my life. And, still, I never shared them my deep dark secrets like I did with him. I've dated before him, but he was the first person I've ever loved. I've had problems with depression before but he made me feel happy and loved... and now it's gone. Our break-up is only contributing to it. He is with someone else now and I can't seek comfort from him without showing him that I am miserable without him. That is why I feel very much lonely, sad, and depressed as I've ever been. 

I feel like I lead a double life. At school and work, though I do seem to have my bad days like everyone else, everyone thinks I'm generally happy and content. I am not. And lately, it seems to get worse. I get sad and cry when I am by myself. After breaking up with my ex, I had to move back in with my mom and step-dad. My family is not close. We all work and have different schedules. Rarely do we ever eat dinner together. And I've never been able to talk with my parents about my problems - I almost feel burdened to but there's something else that is blocking me. I don't get along with my dad. He is an alcoholic, pill popper who used to beat my mom and used to verbally abuse me when I was younger. I resent him now for it more than ever as he now pretends like it was nothing but good times between him and I. 

I was fat growing up, all the way until I was 19. I was constantly made fun of because of my weight. I was called every name in the back by my family and peers. I lost about seventy pounds, considered to be at a healthy weight, and I've been told how plenty of times how "hot and gorgeous" I am... but I have a hard time believing it. My self-esteem and body image is for ****. 

I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I want to live a normal, happy life like every 21 year old  should do but I feel like I can't. I work a ****** job, go to school (my major shift in my depression is affecting my grades) five days a week, and I never get to go out with friends, meet new people, and date. I feel so busy working to support myself and go to school that it seems like I'll never meet people I can talk to like I did with my ex. I feel like I a tm unable to do the things I am fully capable of doing because some days I just want to sit at home and cry. I have my up-days but they're in  short supply. Some days I'm loving life, but most of the time I'm aching for something else. I decided to seek counseling through my school's health center. I want my life back. I want to be happy.

jmpn022289 jmpn022289 18-21, M Mar 2, 2010

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