A Wasted Life...

This is more like a continuation of my previous story. ive titled it a wasted life because tho i am so young, i feel my life has passed my by. I feel that i have had just a fraction of the experiences, opportunities and benefits that people of my age have already had. I feel left behind. I feel like so many decisions that ive made and that others have made for me have resulted in this. I could have utilised my sporting and academic talents to the fullest had i just been given the opportunity. I could have achieved something great for myself but it was never meant to be. 

Now i look back on the past 20 odd years, and i realise that my colleagues have raced ahead of me. many are in better schools than I am, they have a lot of friends, they have the opportunity to party alot, they have better looks, they have more money, they can travel the world, they thrive wherever they go. But with me its just not the case, im the exact opposite. 

back when i was a little boy, we moved countries and that screwed my education in so many ways, i was perpetually lonely and the schools i was put in were sub standard so that whatever ability i had was not being fully unearthed and utilised. i went to high school and things got a little better, i felt on par with everyone else. i was a good student, i was involved in extra-curricular activities, i had a lot of frens, everyone knew who i was. but despite that, alot of my high school frens stil had better scenes than me because of their money and/or backgrounds. I thought i had reached the top in high school and i could only go further in college. well unfortunately it was not the case.

thru  a series of unfortunate events i came to a sub standard college, mediocre at best and again whatever i had worked so hard on in high school came to a waste in college, there were no sporting opportunities, the academic system was rigid, i hardly knew anybody and hardly anybody knew me save for a group of about 5 frens. i was so messed up and depressed, i saw all my high school frens in great uni's and schools across the world, having fun, making frens, getting involved, bettering themselves, but here i was with my life going down the drain all over again. my grades were average at best and i had a non-existent love life because of this huge loss of confidence. in fact for months on end i hardly even talked to a girl.

as time went by i became resigned to my fate and i was like ok this is my life and its not gonna change. things did get a little better, i found a wonderful girlfriend and she has been a major support but yet i still felt that life could improve so i may as well take my chances and move out and see what the world has to offer. maybe, this time ill get what im looking for. boy was i wrong...

so i moved to this new country about 3 months ago for my grad school and well depression and lonliness have been my best friends since i arrived. ive found that even my previous mediocre life was plenty better than my life here. i also learnt recently that the degree im doing is also not fully recognized and so i fear that i may be wasting alot of time and money on a degree that may not even help me in the future. i have no frens, i have no motivation, i have no direction and now after this ive lost all hope. im convinced now that my life can never get better. ive tried being optimistic, ive even chided myself for being such a hope monger cuz thru all my years, ive had an undying hope that things will get better. yeah my life has its good points, i have a great girl fren that i will hopefully someday marry and i have a great family and i have very few but very close frens.

i feel like everything i do or pursue just ends up being a bad idea, its like the good luck that other ppl r having is in no way is coming anywhere near me. and i get this horrible feeling that this will continue to haunt me for the rest of my days, when i start my career and so on.  

i dunno if anyone out there can empathize with my story, if u have had a similar experience and have found a way out then do let me know. what do u guys think im doing wrong? im not sure if i should just be resigned to my fate or if i should continue my pursuit of happiness. id love to hear opinions of both sides, for being content where i am or try for that unattainable and eluding happiness. thanks for reading and i hope that wherever u r, who ever u r, whatever u may be doin or going thru, i hope that u r not and will not have to go thru what i have been thru. 

lonelya lonelya
22-25, M
1 Response Mar 3, 2010

You've got the right idea. You are looking back and seeing what you've done with your life. The problem is you are using someone else's yard stick. As the famous author Erma Bombeck said "Life is always greener over the septic tank. Stop looking at what others have, stop and count your blessings, and then move forward with what makes you happy. Life doesn't always turn out like you think it will. I used to feel like you do, I still do and I'm almost 50 years old. Just because I floundered for years wondering why I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life, it doesn't mean I stopped living. But, I see that God had another plan for me and I would not have been able to do what I'm doing now, which is save my nephew (see blog if you want to know). Now that he is able to go on his own, I am still stuck with what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm figuring it out. And I am married with a teenager, we are self-employed, and I own my home. The point is that I stopped looking at what opportunities other had and started living my own life and counting my blessings. Your situation is not unique, it also doesn't mean you are a failure. But if you are always thinking why can't I do or have that, you will never develop your own meter. I hope that makes sense and helps you somewhat. I wish you good luck where ever life takes you..