I'm All Alone And I Need You Now

For me, it's fairly decent days and the real bad days. I take 1/2 step forward and 5 steps back. The depression sits on my shoulder and waits patiently for me to get weak, then it rears it's ugly head and takes total control over me. When this happens, I crumble to pieces and I am totally broken and useless. I have no self worth, no reason for living,  everything is wrong, and I hate everything about my life. I cry myself to sleep. No one understands, probably b/c I don't tell them. How do you tell someone about the "black shadow" that is depression when they are happy and content, and have never experienced it? No matter what words you use to try to make them understand, they won't be able to. They will act weird around you from then on. So, why even bother telling people?

All of me wants them to understand my pain, to feel what my wrecked life is like, to be miserable like I am. I want their pity, but I don't want them to think I am crazy or act strange around me. I just want them to know what I am going through so that they will understand why I act the way I do sometimes. Is that too much to ask? 

I want real friends, not the fake ones. I've never had a real friend before, besides my husband. I am lucky I have him. When the going gets tough, they bail on me. People are so selfish, if you can't be "useful" to them, then they aren't going to be your friend.  I just want a friend to be there for me when the times aren't pretty, who will help me through this pain. I want people to be more real, less fake, more honest and kind and empathic. 

I write on facebook that i am real sick (depression as well as physical illness right now-problems with my lungs and feeling really down and painful) , of course I only say that I am real physically sick and not a single person calls or writes me to "feel better", or ask if they can help or bring me anything. What is wrong with people? I am getting to the point where I am disgusted with people in general. It makes me even more ready to be done with this sinful place and look forward to the afterlife. 

I wonder if there is any hope for me after all? 

anna2029 anna2029
4 Responses Mar 3, 2010

I am starting to think those types of people are non-existent anymore...

I feel for you. You have described to a tee, exactly how I feel. Why do people get so scared off when you share your feelings of depression with them? People who don't go through depression, don't understand it. When you talk to them about it, they judge you or patronize you, or try to push you off on a shrink, implying that you're crazy and they can't handle it, which is degrading. I need a friend who genuinely cares about me, and understands me, but those kinds of friends are hard to come by.

I am a 16 year old who has suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and depression since I was 12. For years doctors have been pushing pills on me. I hate pills. I quit taking them and went to see a therapist. It helped until my mom died. She died Nov. 9,2009. I haven't been the same since then. I even dropped out of school. You're right depression is a physical thing as well as an emotional thing. I have has had one illness after another since then. I really hope one day you do find a way to get better and to be happy with life again. Sometimes all you need is someone to talk to. Friends leave when you have bad days, most do. If you ever need to talk you can email me.

All I can hope for is that maybe someday all my broken pieces will somehow form together once again and I will be my complete self. I also hope that people will grow to love me as I am, broken or not