The Depressed Way Of Life

As a child I knew my mother battled depression from time to time growing up.  It would be certain periods or bad spells she would slip into but eventually she would pull herself out.  Then much later while I was a teenager she was diagnosed with clinical depression, that was the first time she actually got help for herself, she was 45 then. 

I know for a fact as a child I was pretty happy and content. Until I entered into adolescence that is when I noticed myself having bad spells but I would shove them aside and try to mask to everyone that I was okay.  I could carry on and they would never notice.  I did well in school, I had friends, seemed to have a social life. However, at the end of the day I would hide myself in my bedroom and not come out except for dinner. I would feel anxious and uneasy with the feeling of dread all night.  I would write out these feelings as poetry or write in journals how I felt about the day.  Explaining to my parents my feelings of deep gloom and anxiousness was out of the question because when I did it was either dismissed or just more questions of why. I couldn't explain WHY since I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER TO THAT.  If I knew why I could solve this deep gloom of mine.  

The worst bout of depression I experienced was when I turned 18.  It was winter and I had a really hard year academically in high school.  I had some make or brake school projects that determined whether or not I would graduate. I also had a moderate case of acne and had to see a dermatologist to figure out what treatments would work to get rid of it.  The acne made my depression worse for the whole ideal female self image crisis teenagers go through makes going out in public hell.  I just didn't want to be seen but I had to go to school everyday. I felt ugly and unattractive  I pressed myself forward despite how I felt on the inside. Once again it was time to put on the mask that everything was just fine.  I spent three solid months holed up in my bedroom at night trying to get homework done and trying to figure out why I just wanted to be alone even though I did not want to be alone. I received mediocre grades that year for making a real effort to press on even with so much internal conflict. No one understood.  Eventually with time and the help of some friends I made on-line who understood I was able to pull myself out of my hole and out of the grip of depression.  I never got rid of it but I kept it at bay.  

Fast forward 10 years later and I feel like I am in the dark grips of depression again.  I managed with adversity  and life's arrows to keep pressing forward for a whole decade.  The worst year of my life being 2009 came and went but it felt like an eternity.  I feel anxious, worried, fearful and guilt stricken most of my days.  I had a good job but then lost it, the work helped me keep focus on the task of surviving day to day.   I feel the pain mentally and I feel lost all over again. I have my husband but how can two depressed souls get better?  I feel trapped in a box with no air. 

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3 Responses Mar 4, 2010

I love you friend, and in the 11-12 years we have been besties, I never knew you were struggling with that, when we were younger...wish you would have shared it with me...hindsight is 20/20...know that I am always here for u...down the street in fact... :)

Thank you glasskarma for sharing your story. I have also battled depression for more than 20 years. It's taken years, lots of therapy, medication, and understanding loved ones to keep somewhat in control of myself. It's been an on-again, off-again seesaw and can make you wonder if you will ever feel better. Don't give up!<br />
<br />
@writingmyrelease I LOVE your suggestions and advice. I have never thought about taking vitamins B or D to help with my depression and didn't know those deficiencies could be the cause of it. I am definitely going to try that.

Hello there,<br />
thanks for sharing your story<br />
I know its not easy to talk about this topic and i admire you for opening up about how u are feeling.<br />
I too battle depression quite often sometimes to the point of the "i just wish i could disappear feeling too"<br />
But let me give you some natural tips on things that helped me :<br />
Take up to 10,000IU of Vitamin D a day (most peoples depression is a chemical imbalance from not enough sunlight (vitamin D) and this helps to take the edge off.<br />
Also, Vitamin B will help boost energy levels and balance brain connectivity to help get rid of that "im hopeless no body loves me feeling and it will also give you more energy to be able to get out of the house more"<br />
Last but not least...Keep a journal so that you can keep track of the differences in your moods from day to day and also writing is the best therapy. I hope this helps and please know that you are never alone and i am always here to listen no matter what it may be about. Have a great day and smile it makes your butt tingle :)<br />
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xoxo Dee