Letting The Darkness And Despair Win

I lost my job back in January because they said that I wasn't fast enough. My boyfriend still works the same shift at the same place. He goes in every night during the week while I stay home. It's only a part time job so there's barely enough to keep float. What is saving us right now is the money in my account from past paychecks. We're both looking for other jobs but so far no luck.

I feel like just letting the darkness and despair that comes over me win because it's so much easier than trying to fight it. Right now I feel tears unshed that I will hold inside. Crying doesn't help, all it does is make me feel hollow. I know that I get in these moods sometimes. Talking about it helps a little but doesn't get rid of it. Weekends are especially hard because he catches up on his sleep. They are no different than during the week except that he sleeps longer. I might get to talk to my son but that's not a given. Also weekends remind me that there is really not much to anticipate. It's hard to enjoy anything when I'm like this.

Just wanted to share my thoughts.

beaniefiend beaniefiend
31-35, F
2 Responses Mar 5, 2010

You are both right I need to focus on the positive, but most importantly I need to set goals for myself and meet them. I need to find my own meaning. I want to live my dreams but I have to realize that life isn't easy. If it were all easy than I would never appreciate the good because there would be no point of comparison. Thanks for your heartfelt comments. It helps to know that I can vent.

You could give up, that would be easy, but it would also be unfair. To both you and your boyfriend. It's unfair to leave the obsticle in his lane alone. this is a hurdle that gets smaller with each person participating. and it is unfair to yourself because it sounds to me like you are better than that. Like BobFrost said. its easier to let the darkness win over the light. But you don't come in first for stopping halfway thru the race. this may not be the best advice but i hope its some food for thought.<br />
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In all hopes and sincerity,<br />
XxUnseen MiseryxX