Hole

i hate the feeling of darkness all over you. in your head, in your body. you feel like lead. you can't move. there is no light. there is no one there for you. there is no purpose to live. in rare moments, i experience true joy. like in ballet class the other day, i got this really hard fast part of the dance. it's so stupid, but i felt liek i was bursting with joy. how can i feel such joy in a fleeting moment, then want to die later? **** YOU BRAIN CHEMISTRY. **** YOUUUUUUU.

pinkpaintedshirt pinkpaintedshirt
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 6, 2010

I feel for you - I'm just coming out of a similar place in my life.<br />
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When you get depressed, that's your soul's way of telling you that something's wrong. You can medicate it, ignore it, take drugs to dull it, you can even try to **** it away - but it'll stay with you until you fix the 'something wrong' that it was telling you about.<br />
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We all have mental "charts" that we use to navigate the shoals of life. Depression is a signal of the necessity of the death that accompanies the rebirth of your deepest held charts - charts that served you well in the past, but that have no place in your life anymore. Depression only lingers when we hold onto the charts because we're afraid of the death that accompanies letting go of old things. For me, I had to let go of my delusions about having a healthy childhood, and come to terms with my mom never loving me, and me never loving her.<br />
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In this way, depression is a gift, because it helps part of us die so that we can experience genuine suffering and genuine joy, and thus grow and be more complete people.