Sence I Was Nine

i have been battling mental depression sence i was nine my family and friends only found out a few days ago... they know because a lot of them saw my wrist... Depression sometimes forces me into a state where i can do nothing but slice my wrist. I always feel lonely no matter how many people im with im constantly sad and constantly force a stupid fake smile on my face... Im after trying to committ suicide twice but failing because of noisey people who wont let me die no matter how much i want to. I don't know why they dont mind their own business. Im already emotionally dead. Why cant they let me be physically dead as well. .. They don't understand how much i do not want to be here anymore. I guess they just can't accept the fact that i do not want to have to wait another like 50 yrs to die.

scared154 scared154
13-15, F
2 Responses Mar 7, 2010

thank you i reallly appreciate.. im trying to get better now.. i have a lot of people helping me.. and its realllly good and im starting to notice i dont need a fake smile as much as i use to. :) im 13 :3

Hey scared154 - I was about nine when something happened to me to cause me to slip into depression. The deeper I got, the more damage was caused to me, and like you, I also cut myself, sometimes really bad. But no matter how much you think dying is the option, it's not. It should never even be an option, no matter how much it seems to draws you in. If someone had said that to me when I was right in the middle of depression, I never would have believed it, but what I needed was more time to learn it on my own. I wanted to die (or so I thought), not just to make the pain go away, but to get away from myself, I hated who I was, and I was scared as to what might be ahead for me in the future. Somehow, I told my parents about the depression, I don't know how to be honest, but I couldn't do it anymore, and they took me to the doctor who put me on antidepressants and referred me to a counsellor. I'm starting to learn now that I can't predict the future - no-one can, no matter how much you prepare, and you can't keep worrying yourself into a state. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? It can be so very hard to deal with at an age where everything seems so confusing anyway, and unfortunately we have to learn that the hard way. Anyway, I'm here if you need to talk to me, and I don't judge, I know what it's like.Take care