I Live Knowing There's Always Death

My comfort is in the realisation that I can end my life. It feels like drowning, life drowns me. Once in a while I remember how to swim and i pull up for air. Most of the time I struggle to get to the top, then I breathe, then I drown, the waves get stronger and stronger, I struggle, I sink , I drown, then I get a leeway to gasp for air.

It feels like I am living in a world desinged for everyone else not me. I dont want to feel cast aside, I just am, I am not angry about it alI, accept it, I need to figure out why I'm here, and what I'm about, which will only come in time. I would rather live in a fantancy than reality, and most times i do. I sturggle to live for me, i find myself fighting for my life for the sake of my loved one. I feel vacant, but i soon i will be full, and if it never happens, i would have attempted life, which is good enough for me.

I am depressed. I was worse off a few years ago, and i'm pulling through on my own, I have multiple personalities so perpharps it helps me cope but right now i live, and while i do i look forward to the struggle the suffocation the breathelessness i will experience, in the mean time while i will take comfort in the fact that if the waves get any bigger it can only push me to the bottom of the ocean and there will be peace in the end. And that would be my destiny.

mashni mashni
18-21, F
13 Responses Mar 9, 2010

I know the feelings of hopelessness, and about wanting to die. I believe strongly in the after life<br />
and have wanted to die since I can remember. A lot of it for me is the state of the economy. I have<br />
lost 2 long term jobs to the U.S. and am fed up with being 56 years old and having to start all over<br />
again. It wouldn't be so bad if there were good jobs out there, but it's only the dumps that seem to<br />
be hiring. I sometimes get through the day reminding myself that my time will come. Yours will to,<br />
just don't end it yourself. Hope to see you there someday. Take care.

Thanks Asheida, sometimes I think life is designed to make us go through every experience known to man. And most of what it has to offer has defines reality, and all the pretty things we usally wish for remains fantacy. Take care...

There's something beautiful about the way you express this feeling. I have had this too, still do from time to time. Some days I would prefer to curl into a tiny ball and shut the world out. I imagine everyone else is out there meeting friends and having a busy happy life. But here there are people who do struggle like me. Hopefully we can recognise that what we feel is ok and we are part of human experience. Thank you.

I don't think you should, but you do whatever makes you feel good. If you waant to stop and you have promised yourself you would, then don't, take a walk, go somewhere that would not make it easy to injure yourself. I will be honest with you, I know how it feels to hurt yourself and feel a fufilment in it, if it makes you happier after you have though, then be happy. I belive that with time you would grow the strength and determination to stop and when you're ready you will fight it. You would fight it knowing that the control lies with you not with the urge of a senation or a coping mechanisim. I would advcie that you not injure yourself, to be on top of your feelings, and don't be second to an urge or temptation. There is a rush of joy and accomplishmet if you fight this and succeed, you will feel above the world, like a certin high, so give if a try, fight the urge. But hon, you are the one with the weapons you need to fight this it is in yourself that you would find the anwser you need. I will always be here if you need me. Be strong. x

i want to self injure so bad right now .<br />
am tired of fighting not to self injure

Kthimm1, I am glad you didn't go through with it. I hhope I have found a friend with you, yopu have found one in me. Evveryday is still a battle for me, and everytime it gets too much I remember how good it felt when things were better and that is what pulls me through, I hope the thought helps you too if all things fail to. Take care...

i can really relate to this alot.<br />
<br />
everything you said applies to me.<br />
<br />
i have thought bout endin it so many times. i have no true friends

i can really relate to this alot.<br />
<br />
everything you said applies to me.<br />
<br />
i have thought bout endin it so many times. i have no true friends

That is alot to go through, nearly10years, I understand what's like to feel like a statistic to people who are meant to care about you and when the family's love becomes less as unconditional as it ought to be. The feeling of being alone and screaming to be heard, yet everone passes by, and vice versa, when you feel the need to be in a bubble for a while to refelect or anyother reacsons and your finding suddenly everyone 's protoge and project. People then feel the need to treat ou as a statistic not as a person, the feeling of begin alone becomes immence. <br />
<br />
I can not imagine what it must be like to live with HIV, I applaud your courage in fighting for your future, and I hope you have found the support you crave so much formthe man you have found. I found that i could only depend on myself, which meant extra pressure not to let me down. I hope the strenght you have transends in the courage to be confindent in yourself as well, it is so hard to be confident in oneself. But at the end of the day we are the only ones that can pull ourselevs through this. I hope you are finally happy, and when things get so over your head that you feel giving up might be the safest thing to do, remember how you felt when you were on top of things, the rush of having achieved something, the feeling of being in control, but most improtantly the feeling of being happy, and i hope you fight for it again. I wish you all the best. Good luck...

Hi.. I know how you feel.. I tried last June when I lost my job... Its was 5 days after my 9th year of having, living, dieing from HIV. My world collapes. I got arrested for some really stupid reasion, 4 months of hell. This all started in Aug, shop lifted, got arrested for that, and a domestic burgaly. (Mitagating cercmstance) very long story. He owed me money, and messed off on holiday (old land lord) hence me losiing my job. He said he would pay - unauthorised loan, and well....<br />
<br />
During the whole process I was told that I may have depresion, I mamgaed for find a place to live, wth "support"...<br />
<br />
I failed a medical (ESA) i got zero... Me trying to kill myself, "Cry For Help" thats what was put on the medical.. not the case..thats what my mum said.<br />
<br />
I feel lost scared, tryingto sort myself out, byt depresion, I dont have... The I wish someone would tell me whats wrong... <br />
<br />
My ex told me "Its your problem" and I hung up the phone. U know, it is... but I have one person who I found I can relay on... 14 years, both HIV, he understands.<br />
<br />
I know how you feel... take care..

Hey cris, I know, I just joined the site a day ago myself, and have been suprised to find so many similiarities with people here. What are you trying to move from, if I may ask cris, you dont have to reply ofcourse. I wish you the best as well.

just like you i feel like im living in a world designed for everyone else but me and just like you sometimes i live in fantacy or like in a dream that i can't awake from. i am trying so hard to move on. im new to this website and i see that there is so much people like us and it gives me hope to know that we are not alone that there is people out there who understand. wish you the best :)

Thank you for your comment. You're very right. I have always been alone in this, though it is sad to know that others may feel the emptiness i experience, there is a comfort in the taught as well. I hope we find the anwers we are looking for, or maybe realise the questions we are meant to ask. Take care too.