My First Entry.

I'm so confused almost everyday. How can someone of my age be so sad with their lives. I can't sum it up how im feeling without finding more and more to go on about. Today I was supposed to have a  home meeting, Im in foster care. I know I have been depressed for a very long time, and suffer with PTSD. There's no one really to blame. But I always turn to the same person. Michelle. She gave birth to me but i cant stand her therefore i do not consider her life apart of mine. My father just recently went to prison. I am stuck with no parents this isnt the first time they have hurt me or failed at what I see parents shoud be, but  Her actions through life effected me and with no concern from her, I lost it all. My brother who commited suicide. My home, my animals who i loved with all my heart, My childhood friends we had to move away from. and both of my sisters i know.

Today has been hard and this is my first attempt to help myself through other people. I never thought it was ok to share with many people, for the simple fact that I dont want anyone to have a clue about my past. I dont want to cause anyone else to think about my pain. And sometimes that is more important than me. But about a half hour ago, I thought about breaking the promise i had made by taking my own life. I love my sisters theyre all i have. But I never see them and I dont think I can do good for them like i wish if I am no good myself. I hope that someone can understand me and where I am coming from. I could really use somebody to share my life with. Unortunatley they are either too busy or not concered about the long and hidden life behind my eyes. If anyone can respond to what I have shared please do. I never let my depression come out but ive been overwelbed for the last time that i can take at this point. I just wanted to be a normal kid my whole life and now im at a new school pretending to be one, and trying to hold back anything about my past.

Please dont feel bad for me it would never help me.

britneyd08 britneyd08
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 10, 2010

You have no idea how much your story hits home for me. About 8 months ago, things started falling apart for me. I was getting more and more depressed, and I started developing insomnia. I enjoyed things less and less, and my social life spiraled downward. <br />
<br />
I finally had to come to terms with the fact that my closest friend for years was a pathologically selfish, passive aggressively abusive manipulator who had been pulling my strings my whole life. He destroyed my reputation, I lost most of my other friends, and I didn't have the strength or the drive to fight back or defend myself. I found myself alone and isolated, with most of the symptoms of PTSD. I cared less and less about my life - and actually started getting a sense that I wasn't living my life - I was just watching someone else live my life, and if he died, nothing bad would happen to me.<br />
<br />
I held on, tried to remind myself of the good things. I listened to empowering and uplifting music, but even that didn't lift my frostbitten spirit. In the midst of this, I came to terms with the core of my problems. My mom was a pathologically selfish, passive aggressively abusive manipulator who had been pulling my strings my whole life. Heh - my last safe haven was gone. I was alone in a house that was no longer a home.<br />
<br />
Through all this, I had to pretend to be okay at work. I didn't do a very good job - people could tell that I was going through something, but I did my job and people didn't press me for information.<br />
<br />
Our stories aren't the same, but there's a common thread that resonates like a guitar string that got plucked again and again for years, but refused to break.<br />
<br />
I had no hope, but I held on anyway. I was on the edge of the earth, looking down into the gaping maw of some great abyss... but I held on.<br />
<br />
Finally, I found a way to start climbing back up. I had an epiphany. Not a loud one - there were no flashing lights or trumpets - but It was powerful. It was like a wall broke in my mind, and I was able to see my mom's sins, and my own, clearly. I can't describe with words why it was such a powerful moment for me, but I can tell you that I never expected it to come - and yet it did, and it allowed me to begin truly moving forward.<br />
<br />
My point is - it's always darkest before the dawn, and things will get better for you. And yeah, I contemplated suicide too - trust me, you'll come up with a less drastic solution if you do three things:<br />
<br />
1. Keep holding on, avoiding crutches like drugs and alcoholism. Depression is a gift, because it tells you that something is seriously wrong and needs to change. The only reason depression ever lingers for a long time is if you don't make the inner and/or outer changes that are needed.<br />
2. Keep looking for a solution - if you don't have the heart-strength right now to take action, then look for a solution in your own mind.<br />
3: Keep your eyes open - the same deep part of your psyche that's making you depressed knows exactly what the problem is - trust your instincts, if a thought keeps popping into your head, then look at that thought. If you're scared of clowns, then ask yourself why you're scared of clowns. If you can't stand people who are controlling, then ask yourself why you can't stand people who are controlling. The answer's there, just keep your eyes open.<br />
<br />
And if you want to talk to someone, I'm here.

Honey, please don't end your life! I don't know you but I do know you have value in this world. You have been through things that most kids don't ever go through. You can come to me anytime you want to to talk. I will always be here for you.

sweetheart, your depression is understandable, you've been thru a lot in your young life. things that many adults would have a hard time dealing with themselves. if you could break down the walls you have around yourself and let someone in, you may feel better. do you keep a journal??if you don't have one, I would start one. (it helps a little, and its a start) it would be something to get your feelings out and away ..possibly from there it may be easier to open up to someone you trust.secondfiddle is right there are no real quick fixes. no words of wisdom to heal. its has to start within you. remember your sisters, you may not see them but they are in your heart...and you in theirs.