The Experience At The Moment. Venting.

i'll write the current. i have been a 4.0 student my whole life, now im in my second year of college and im failing almost all my classes. i dont want to go to them. i just dont care anymore. i HATE my body...people say im "sexy" but all i see is someone not good enough. im obsessed with wanting to be skinny; im not fat, but i want one of those tiny bodies. but im just not built to be one of those girls. i want to be a size 3 but im a 7. i base my self-image on my sex appeal- thats what i get attention from and i feed on it. im faithful to my boyfriend but i like approval from other people. im the black sheep of the family, i was the one who cut herself throughout junior high and parts of high school, i disappointed my parents by having sex with my boyfriend before marriage. i have a hard time being happy when im not with my boyfriend. he is the only  person i have that supports me, we've been together 3 1/2 years and if we move in together before marriage, i'll be disowned by my family. but all we want is to be with each other. it feels wrong to be kept separate from the man i plan on spending my life with. i dont know what to do. I cant control my emotions, i cry at any given moment. i just broke off my friendship with my best friend of 6 years. i have no friends that are girls because i dont trust them. i have nowhere to go. i feel like giving up. i dont feel like going to my  university anymore, i dont like my career choice, i live with my parents who tell me how great my older brother is. im just DONE. done with dealing with everything and trying to plan out my life. i started on anti depressants and i have no idea if they're working. i have a therapist that i lie to and i have no idea why. this is a random blabber, kinda pointless.

aida9 aida9
70+, F
Mar 11, 2010