Out Of Hope

I think my illness leads to or causes my depression. Maybe it's genetic too, not sure. I have tried everything to cure it. Drugs didn't work. Can't exercise b/c I am sick all the time and too ill. Can't talk about it to family, they get way to freaked out and don't understand,and don't want to. Husband is the only one I can talk to. No friends. No doctors can figure out why I am always sick, no advice from anyone to help cure me. Every time I get sick, I get more depressed. I didn't know depression could get this bad. I hate my body, I hate my life, I hate people, I hate everything. I have turned into a bitter, unkind person. My thoughts have totally changed and become worse. I have no self confidence and I just hate myself. 

I would never kill myself. I just couldnt do that. I do however, dream about dying. I wish it could happen naturalIly-car wreck or whatever. It would be so much easier to escape the pain. I can't imagine enduring this much pain for much longer--physically and emotionally. I have no hope. I just do whatever I HAVE to do to make it through the day. I work then come home and collapse. I don't do household chores, I only do what I have to do to make it through the day. My messy house irritates me. I don't care about the way I look. I mean I care, but not enough to do something about it. I have gained a lot of weight. And that bothers me. It's just easier to eat bad and be fat when you don't care. 

I wish I could be NORMAL and HAPPY. I dream about having a clean house and having friends over. I dream about being skinny and one day being healthy. I want to have kids-but I know I can't do that until I get better. I am just out of hope and every day gets worse. I don't know what else to do. I am out of options. I hold everything in until I cant anymore and it all comes out. I break down once a week and cry for hours while talking to my husband about my problems. It helps get it out in the open, but it doesn't do anything. After I break down, I get numb again and continue the cycle again. It doesn't cure anything.

 

What else is there to do? I am so sick of living this way. I just don't know what to do........Please help

anna2029 anna2029
22-25
1 Response Mar 13, 2010

I am so saddened to read of your pain and depression, anna, and wish there was something I could do to relieve it for you, however slightly. All I can do is offer as virtual hand in friendship and let you know that you can squeeze it as hard and as often as you need to. <br />
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Pain and depression so often feed off each other and it is easy to understand that you are feeling hopeless and thinking/dreaming of death. But please hold on!<br />
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It's sad that you can't share your problems with your friends and family. I hope your husband is understanding and supportive of you in your distress. You are very brave and honest to share your experience with the EP world. You are never alone.