Undiagnosed Darkness

My story goes way back I was 8 and already suicidal I was born in 1980 normal family my Mother is my Angel. For the life of me I could never figure out what was wrong with me and neither did anyone else. I would start to cry and I didn't know why at all, this unbelievable intense sad feeling washed over me from time to time a feeling of doom and utter despair I was afraid of these emotions.  But I also learned from a early age to just keep things to myself, everyone was so busy in their own lives you can't make time for a breakdown ohhh no we can't have that so shape up and control your damn emotions was pretty much the message I got early in life.

 I had trouble with anger as well I used to become so enraged because of all these emotions and thoughts going through my being that I couldn't control it anymore and I used to go into my room shut the door and just throw things against my wall just to calm down I KNOW it sounds crazy but it was my way for surviving another day in my mind in this body. 

 I have tried to take my own life several times but the fighter in me just refuse to just give up, so I wake up everyday and I live.  The longest my depression ever lasted was 8 months that was a truly dark time in my life.  I don't have friends no one to truly connect with I have my Angels they dragged me this far in my life.  Many wonderful things has also happened not all doom and gloom but when it hits you out of nowhere for no reason you ask why the F* is this for huh, give me a break will ya was I that bad in my previous life common!!!!!!!!!

 I've never been diagnosed by a doc I know what they will say, I abused drugs to subdue the effects of my depression which only made it worse but I did't really care it was fun to be high forget the world and go into a stranger wonderful place of very freaky stuff disconnected to yourself your mind.  At the moment I am addicted to painkillers no one that knows me and shares their lives with me knows I have a problem to them Im normal I hide myself very well.  It's become sort of a game to me when will I get caught I've been doing it now for 4years I got an overdose once a minor one and I said it's a bug going around I was sick as hell.  The people closest to me doesn't have a clue, I don't sleep well.

I'm tired of battling this alone with on one to understand me tells me crap like it will be ok there is a rainbow wawawa, I know they mean well I wish I can find my cure.



PurpleTurtle PurpleTurtle
26-30, F
5 Responses Mar 15, 2010

It sounds like admitting your addiction here, in writing, is the beginning of getting free from it - at least it is a step closer. You will experience relief and freedom, it must weigh you down enormously to hide it from everyone. It probably saps energy, motivation - Has your depression ever been treated with meds? I hope and pray you find the way, don't know you, but do care and hate to hear of such suffering.

I, too, covered up my depression for year with alcohol. I am now 28 years old and finaly have given to to tell someone. I can't deal with it anymore. I needed help. My doctor is a great person and found the right meds for me and I am in this group to talk. I am constantly monitoried and noone really knows I was so depressed. Everyone thinks it was a bad funk. I relate to hiding everything because who really wants to be labeled as the crazy one? I have tried to hide it but now I have to medicate it and get my feelings out. I have been depressed for years and would love to be happy. There are good times don't get me wrong but then I have the worst darkest moments of all. I hate it. I understand where you are coming from. The first step is recognizing now you need to confide in someone and get the help you need and deserve. I believe that it is only making you stronger by seeking help.

You should cheer yourself up - it's one of the most important parts of getting out of a depression. That said, cheering yourself up isn't a "cure."<br />
<br />
I asked a legitimate question who's answer is important. I myself have expressed similar anger, and figuring out who I was really directing it at was important for my own growth.<br />
<br />
I'm capable of both the things you're accusing me of Moonrosa, but in this case I'm doing neither - and I don't appreciate you making such accusatory assumptions.

I agree with SilverandIce...but he didnt have to be so condensending about cheering yourself up, if only for a fleeting moment. neither was it called from him to critisize impressions. because that message he refers to may not have been a direct order, so much as an overall impression. impressions can be stronger than anything said directly, especially with the addition of 'emotional issues', at least thats what i found. and in any case, the person's reaction can vary greatly from the intention. as you said, they mean well. but it doesnt always turn out well.

When you get depressed, that's your soul's way of telling you that something's wrong. You can medicate it, ignore it, take drugs to dull it, you can even try to f-ck it away - but it won't be cured until you find the 'something wrong' that it was telling you about. <br />
<br />
"can't make time for a breakdown ohhh no we can't have that so shape up and control your damn emotions was pretty much the message I got early in life. " - From who did you get this message?