My Viscous Circle

Life is a struggle. The feeling of depression is crippling. I've done my share of research. Notebooks full of useless facts; drugs that are supposed to help, drugs from which to stay away, people with which to talk, people with which to avoid talking... Some say it is all in your head. Others might say it has to do with what you eat. What they can't possibly understand is how incredibly hard it is to wake up everyday, look into the faces of those around you, and know that they could never understand. To step into the world, feeling utterly alone and incapable.

 

For me, depression is not an option. Unfortunately, it is my reality.

 

About three years ago I began to feel the first life halting pains of my depression, although I believe it has been a factor in my life for much longer. In high school, I was a social recluse. Thankfully, I had friends from my junior high that I retained, but only barely. Without them, I am not sure where I would be now. It seems as if they held my hand as I fell down the rabbit hole. Everyday, I was forced to get up and face the world, my held hung low and feet barely moving. Regardless, I was out there.

From high school, I attempted to continue on to university. It wasn't until my second semester of college that I truly began to break down. I was paying for this extremely expensive school with loans and scholarships, but I was barely able to get myself out of bed to go to class. My room mate, my best friend from junior high, did everything possible to keep me on the straight and narrow, but I was a lost cause. In the end, we both left school. I blame myself for altering my friend's future for my own selfish fears. I couldn't leave alone. I convinced this friend that school was not for either of us, and we dropped out.

After that, I moved into an apartment with that friend and another. Things started out wonderfully. Or at least I thought they did. As time went on, I failed to find a job. They both worked together, but I was denied. From there, I slept. My life for a full month consisted of sleeping. I was probably only awake for four hours a day, and I ate very little. My body was shutting down, and my friends were growing apart from me. They asked me to move out. So I left, returning home to my mother's, where I continued to do nothing.

I finally found a job, with the help of family, and everything was good for a short while. I was able to get up and go outside, with a false smile planted on my face. You see, for my family, depression is not real. It is a state of mind that is only an excuse for lazy, selfish behavior. The thought that it would be better to fall asleep and not wake up again rather than fight this vertical uphill battle is just giving in to fear. Depression is not real. This suppression of my feelings led me deeper into the hole. I began to self mutilate, lock everyone out of my life, and hide. I quit my job. I ran from the only bit of sanity I felt I had left. With no friends, no job, and a family that refused to understand, I was left out in the cold.

Someone told me once that I should seek medical attention. Perhaps that is the way I should have gone to begin with, but with what money? To get well, I must first have the means to do so. Unfortunately, my state of mind has deteriorated so much that I lie to myself about job opportunities and I push away everyone who attempts to help. I guess you could say I refuse to admit I have a problem. What I hate most is my inability to help myself, but drive to help others. For once, I should force myself to do something, but I can't seem to find the will. I read these stories of people who just so easily asked for help and received answers, but I can't. I can not stand the idea that I am weak.

So this is my first step, I think. Anonymously putting myself out there for people to see. Perhaps I will continue to share my journey back to the light with you all. Because somewhere deep down, the me I once was is screaming for help, and I am going to finally listen.

UnknownSender UnknownSender
18-21
5 Responses Mar 16, 2010

You are doing the right thing by reaching out to others. I too am suffering from depression. I've<br />
tried almost every anti depressant my Dr. has given me, but nothing works. All they do is make<br />
me feel worse and numb. I just want what everyone does... to feel better. I have found this site<br />
a blessing, as we can share our stories and be there for each other. Take care.

"I finally found a job, with the help of family, and everything was good for a short while. I was able to get up and go outside, with a false smile planted on my face. You see, for my family, depression is not real. It is a state of mind that is only an excuse for lazy, selfish behavior. The thought that it would be better to fall asleep and not wake up again rather than fight this vertical uphill battle is just giving in to fear. Depression is not real. This suppression of my feelings led me deeper into the hole. I began to self mutilate, lock everyone out of my life, and hide. I quit my job. I ran from the only bit of sanity I felt I had left. With no friends, no job, and a family that refused to understand, I was left out in the cold."<br />
<br />
Your family refused to change their perspective, even though they were killing you.

your story is so similar to mine<br />
<br />
have no friends <br />
<br />
am a cutter

I'm only young and still in high school, reading your story gave me a wake up call, i also shut people out and isolate myself, meanwhile i'm still desperate for someone to come and help me.<br />
Everyday i tell myself, one day i'm going too move out, live on my own and just rot away.<br />
I do have friends but when they get too close i tend too completely lock them out of my world and pretend like it's their fault when it's really not , i've only just discovered i need help and i hate asking for help, which you seem to dis-like aswell.<br />
Asking for help is the best way you can go , in school right now i'm seeing a counselor and i've been feeling much better, talking too ANYONE could really help open your eyes and get you back on track.<br />
I don't know the reason why you feel like this and what i could possibly say, i can't say i feel the same because i'm not you and have never been in a similair situation as you are right now with your living situation and everything but, I hope you can still find the strength within you and try too ovecome your depression.<br />
<br />
I know i'm only young and you're thinking, why would i listen too advice from a 14 year old?, Well the answer too that question is, I can basically feel your pain by just reading your story and i do feel the same every morning, i just hope you take time too read this ?

I just recently discovered this site, & found your story to be freakishly mirrored to my own! I, too, I'm a depressed/cutter found only underneath recent blogs. Though my family would understand, I don't want to be viewed as just another complainer, money by means of dramatizing. "I'll survive." But I won't 'cause I'm caring about life more that I would rather die than the alternate choice. So, hear I am.