It's A Way Of Life.

This is all I have known.  Having Major Depressive Disorder is how it has been.  There's no option to stop, just to manage.  Well some times I 'manage' better that the others.  Sometimes I laugh so hard about how mental I am, that I ponder am I really afraid of HOW messed up I am?  To answer that I wouldn't even need a moment to think, the answer is yes. I am afraid of reliving my experience. My life has been difficult and my memories are so painful, that i can't even speak the words to describe what has happened to me.

On the outside I am an energetic, passionate, funny person.  Quick witted and always ready with a retort.  I love to learn.  I love to talk to experts because I love their passion for the topic. All experts, chefs, plumbers, kitchen staff, wonderful stories of passion. That gives me a buzz.  On the outside I am strong, independent, loyal, intelligent woman, who wont take any sh*t from anyone.

On the inside I am on the verge of collapse. I am constantly controlling my behaviours, controlling the four million things that are going through my head. I am constantly fighting the urge to just give up, fall apart, and make the noise stop. 

When the darkness comes, and it always does, I brace myself, I can feel it rolling in like a thunder storm, coming to rip me to shreds, to take me to the edge of my sanity and dare me not to jump into the abyss. I have just come off I pretty tough week emotionly. 

I am back in active therapy, and finger and toes I can stick it out for the long term.  I want to stop.  Put all the painful memories back from whence they came, and fall back into the comfort of my distructive behaviours, my eating disorder and my OCD.  I understand this world, I understand that when I perform my behaviours I can have just a few moment of peace.  A few moments of feeling whole, till the self doubt come creeping back in.  Did you check it?  Did you eat it?  Did you check it?  What have you eaten?  Have you had too much? Have you checked it again?  Over and over and over until I scream out in frustration "JUST SHUT THE **** UP! Please"  this is usually after 6 or 7 weeks.  Which isn't bad really when you think that this is going on 24 hours a day.  Day and night.  No break.

I can't say I really blame myself for wanting to die. For me this is my life.  Permantly.  I will always have OCD, hopefully the ED will **** off, and as for the rest they too are a way of life.  

Sometimes I get so depressed that I will never be cured that I just cry, and whinge about how "unfair" it all is, at least these days I have people I can turn to rather than bottling it up, at least these days I recognise that I do need to reach out.  That it is okay to ask for help, even at the 11th hour.  This is still very difficult for me to do, but I just keep having ago,


Thanks for reading,

geniusofevil geniusofevil
31-35, F
6 Responses Apr 5, 2010

I wish you all the best. :)<br />
I'm also doing the best i can to manage my issues. <br />
Stick in there. :)

iguaname,<br />
I have made a lot of improvement over the last ten years. I have fallen over and gotten up so many times, it's almost like a ritual...LOL Sorry OCD joke. I hover between everything is going to be okay, to the is f**ked and I want to die. The medications that I am on are awesome for keeping it at bay, but as always when I get tired, I get lost in the emotion and that is when I write epic posts on here. Also a lot of my posts are reflective, from my journal, which I edit down!! LOL I have 4 or 5 journals going at a time. I have one for each disorder...LOL. I know being mental isn't funny, but it helps me cope. I hope my jokes don't offend you, they often offend people! LOL

I'm glad you are getting help although it is still very difficult, especially when you suffer from something you know you will never be cured and gone, can only be managed. It is very hard to stop it getting on top of you, especially when your mind starts working overtime and won't go in the direction you want, and need, it to. Always better to know you have people who understand and you can open up to.<br />
<br />
Sincerely hope things improve for you and you are able to manage your conditions as best you can. If there is anything you ever feel I could do to help please ask.

Yeah, i go to therapy - that's if they can be bothered to call me up to arrange an appointment. <br />
There's no sunshine in this world! Its all a BLACK HOLE! sorry i just had to say that, its my motto on life.<br />
That's true, it can be treated, and i hope you get better very soon. <br />
<br />

Thanks for reading. I hope it didn't depress you further. It's more reflective than anything else, I am working really hard to get better, but some days, it just takes over.<br />
<br />
I hope you are seeking help, and finding some sunshine. It's a really painful experience, but it can treated.

Thankyou for sharing.<br />
I suffer from depression too. <br />
<br />
Gemma xoxox