Still, But Still Moving
Where to begin....
I was born into a low income family that came bundled with the stereotypical package of an abusive marriage, drug addiction and poor educational background. Throughout my childhood I have had the unpleasant experience of having to file police reports against my father both as a victim and a witness to domestic violence. My father was an alcoholic who abused cocaine, marijuana, heroin and other various drugs. Funding a drug addiction with a less than ideal income translated into the discontinuance of various utilities along with numerous evictions, a trend that would follow up until my later years of high school.
My parents refinanced the house in order to pay for renovations and set aside the money needed to pay for my college. In the end, no repairs were made, and about one hundred thousand dollars were spent on drugs over the course of three months. The trend was broken only after my father was hospitalized for overdosing, nearly dying and dying for a minute. An experience that he will most likely never forget considering the fact that he now has a permanent speech impediment along with other cognitive issues.
Shortly after this fiasco, I met the girl who became the love of my life. With high school approaching an end, I worried that I would not be good enough for her. I did not want to become my father. The money that was set aside for my college was non-existent and I needed a way to finance my education. An Army recruiter came by our school one day and to make a long story short, I ended up joining the Army.
My girlfriend had a great family that was very well off. In my adolescent mind, the only way in which I could even measure up to her family was to at least graduate from college. I ended up doing two years of active duty In order to qualify for full educational benefits. Luckily, she was a rising junior when I graduated from high school so we were able to start college at the same time after my time on active.
I transferred over the National Guard during the summer before classes started so that I would be able to focus strictly on school work. The Army was paying for all of my schooling and providing me with a stipend on top of that. All was going well up until 4 months ago. Without going into much detail, she ended up cheating on me and we are no longer together.
All of these things have caused a period sadness in my life, but not depression necessarily. I am fully aware that losses are inevitable and handle these situations relatively well.
What does upset me is the human condition, the indifference of people. The ignorance and ineptitude that consumes the general population is more than depressing. I feel like I don’t belong with this race. The inability for people to move beyond mundane ideals is astonishing.
My internal conflict begins here.
I am a rising junior majoring in mechanical engineering and mastering in aerospace engineering as part of a five year program. Although I know where my life is headed as far as a career, I have no clue why I am doing this. My motivation to succeed and do well was all inspired by me ex who is obviously no longer a part of my life. She was the one person that I felt connected me to the rest of the world and with that link now severed, I feel as if I am a zombie going about my daily routine.
I am not the antisocial type. I have no problem interacting with strangers; I’m actually a very social person although I am very selective when it comes to befriending others. I cannot tolerate a lot of what’s seen as normal behavior and thought. I do have many friends.
I feel like an outlier when it comes to comparing trends in personality traits associated with intelligence which is why I may feel this way more so. I am not your reclusive gamer type with an acne problem, I am not overweight, I am not a jock, I don’t scare girls away by giving off a nerdy impression. I exercise regularly and run at least three miles three times a week. My problem isn't any of this; it’s the fact that I feel detached from the human race and always have.
I enjoy spending time with friends but this is only a temporary relief to my continuous feeling of isolation. I do have hobbies that I enjoy such as programming, finding new ways to solve problems, and relating different mathematical theories to one another. My favorite is probably going on Wikipedia marathons with a cup or eight of coffee and absorbing an abundance of knowledge. I do not watch much TV since I have a lot of 'homework' that requires countless hours of work and sleepless nights. I really enjoy being able to stay up all night working on a problem and have the solution be correct when no one else can get it. My workload is so high because I am taking 21 credits, not because I find the material to be incredibly difficult. I have yet to be challenged by any class, they require a lot of time due to the amount of practice needed per problem, not because I have had any problem with conceptually understanding what is being asked.
I am driven to excel but always feel empty.
Sometimes I feel unable to process emotion. I know how I should feel but am unable to do so. These occurrences are not specific to a polarity, they hold for any circumstance. I have never been to 'get help' or see anyone about any of my problems. I fear that they will not understand my logic and I will then be told by someone who cannot fathom the idea of setting up an integral that I am insane.
I don’t know if my problem is that I think too differently or....I really don’t know....
(I realize that I have gone off on many tangents)
I am respectful of others viewpoints and beliefs. I do not think less of people who are religious, homosexuals, minorities or anything that could be seen as food for judgment. I respectfully ask that you do not try to push any religious beliefs on me.