My name is Donald and I am 24 years old. I am two classes short of my bachelors degree in Parks and Recreation Management. I've been married for 5.5 years, we recently moved from a small town into Oklahoma City.

I've taken this semester off to take a break from school because the grind is driving me absolutely nuts. Basically the same issues since I was in 1st grade. Why? What's the point? Can we discuss it more? The teachers never have any of the real answers. Constantly having to correct them, which makes me look like an ******* since the goal is not proper education but selective indoctrination.

Grew up mostly in small town Oklahoma, moved around a lot, multiple states, 7-8 towns, few dozen houses. Never socialized much, though I did make something of an effort it just never went over well. In fourth grade I found out I had the second highest iq of anyone in my school, a girl I had a huge crush on had the #1 score (chyea my taste is that good ;).

After that time I became much more aggressive. I realized I wasn't the screwed up one, it was everyone else. I began to fight back more when the kids picked on me, maybe 60-70 fights from 5th to 10th grade. I would have so much anxiety I would sleep maybe 1-2 hours a night and distract myself with video games and books. I would sleep in class because it was so boring and I knew I would get in trouble if I talked at all. Teachers would take my books away. It felt like prison to me, and I felt like I had to adopt a very fight to survive mindset, which I don't think I've ever really recovered from. I still find myself having a lot of anxiety when I go into any kind of situation where aggression might come out. I avoid confrontation because of this but I don't think it's an unhealthy amount.

As I got older I withdrew more and more, by age 13-14 I wasn't really going out at all or doing anything, I had mostly ostracized myself from all my peers. I would go from one game to the next, using books to substitute when I couldn't play a game. When I had nothing to do, finished a book or game, or had my access denied I immediately went into border panic attacks. What I now know of as existential crisis, starting back at the age of about 10 or so.

I would think... What now? What's next? That whole universe I was just engrossed in is gone, and when we die it will be the exact same thing.

I tried to explain to others but was always met with hostility. Especially when I compare life to a video game. Which to me it is, and not figuratively but quite literally. Our bodies are an advanced biological interactive mechanism which allows our biological data processing ****** to interact with a 3 dimensional rendering of waves and particles.

Basically it's like a controller. Just like you plug into a book, PC, etc...you're plugged into this reality via your physical body.

If you're playing to get to max level , what's the point? You'll be there eventually and then the games over... Unless there is something at max level, in which case you have to offset the value of less enjoyment VS faster achievement of max level.
In games this is a formula you need to pay some attention to.

In real life max level means you're dead.
So why rush?
Why do anything that's not fun?

There is no reason, just like in a video game. You play until it's not fun and then you turn the game off.

Tbh suicide makes more sense than staying alive, if approaches from the proper line of reasoning.
KnaisGuy KnaisGuy
26-30, M
2 Responses Aug 15, 2014

The suicide thing is a constant in the back of a lot of our minds I think. I think Kurt Vonnegut wrote that just having the option, knowing it was there, allowed him to carry on through some of his darkest depressions.

I don't believe any of us can tell any one else what to do or how to live. Right now I'm so sad and tired of worrying about all this that I'm numb so suicide doesn't seem an option. Somewhere down the line? When I'm even older? When the people I worry about being affected most by my suicide are gone? Maybe.

Or, maybe this wave, this 'spell' of existential depression will break and leave me with a 'remission' for a while. I don't know. I do know that I feel your pain, I've experienced your isolation. I hope for you, as I do all of us, peace of mind and a respite now and then from this constant issue.

That's organ hahaha not ****** ;)