Continuing my last post.

I've arrived at the point where I am now working and nothing else basically and these issues and questions are coming up again.
Why?
What is the point of this?

I'm working at a nursery that does high end landscaping. It's hard. 10 hour days in up to 105 degree heat. Hour worth of driving to/from every day. Very meticulous owner. The work isn't bad but becomes very tedious and monotonous.

Why am I spending 80% of my waking time doing work for someone else?
To pay for my house? That I go to... To rest... Before I go back to work .... To pay for the house ... To work .....

What the actual **** man.

And this robin williams thing is really putting me on the bring.

WHAT THE **** ROBIN YOU *******!!!

I grew up with him like an uncle to me. Genie, flubber, Mrs. Doubtfire.

I've never been hit so hard by a celebrity death, but I feel like I lost a close friend when he died. And the fact he killed himself....
I listened to 4 hours of his stand up Tuesday morning and by the end of it I was bawling. Like pouring down my face. Luckily I was working on filling holes and leveling soil on my own so I just kept shoveling and I swung the hoe like I was trying to decapitate someone.

Starting this job had me borderline existential crisis but the RW thing pushed me over. His stand up sounds just like me. I watched his videos and he moves and talks and gesticulates like I do. I felt like I had an echo in my head, I knew 80% of what he would say before he said it.

This is making me even more anxious because it took me by such surprise I guess. I'm worried that the charade I've had up so long might be coming apart and I don't know if I have the energy to repair it this time.

I have hope in the form of having a child but I also think that's a very bad thing to do. To bring a kid into the world purely to justify your own existence. Then what is the kids existence? His whole purpose is to basically be your toy/entertainment? And most people barely give them what they need after that become less cute and attention gaining and more obnoxious and rude glance inducing.

And then I think of my kid having this same conversation in their head.

I honestly think procreation is a form of insanity to some extent.
KnaisGuy KnaisGuy
26-30, M
Aug 15, 2014