So Alone And No-one Knows It......I never thought my life would be like this at 26. I only had a few friends to start with but events occured which meant I lost them all. People assume it's my fault but I know it wasn't and I am the only one I have to explain anything to. I did everything I could to keep the friendships going but I could only do so much without degrading myself and losing my sense of self worth.
I don't know anyone else in real life who has no friends. I can't think about it too much because when I do, I get a cold chill running through me. I have learnt to live with it in some ways. I work hard and fill my evenings with nannying/babysitting work and exercise classes. Sometimes though (well often) I wish I had someone I could go out for dinner or lunch with. I find weekends hardest. I have siblings so socialise with them but it's hard. I find it tough and upsetting when people ask me what I did of a Friday night and of a weekend. I usually end up lying which then makes me feel worse. But I know that if I didn't, they would wonder why I did nothing and maybe then think I am a loser or defective in some way.
Sometimes I feel like I am living a double life. The happy, smiley and strong girl who is seen in work and the unhappy, scared and lonely girl outside of the work environment. At times I desperately want to tell someone the truth about my life but something always stops me. It's hard admitting loneliness, it comes with so many negative connatations.