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I Am So Dead Even If I Was Breathing

hi i am nobody or at least it is how feel i am 16 for 4 years i have been suffering from major depression disorder and this is my fifth since i was a little girl nothing i do is enough ; for the past years at fifth grade i was the first in my school also in my 8th an 9th school year my father never care he does not even know my school result because he simply a son of a ***** the only one that was realy happy for me is my mother but later i have discovered that she was getting happy not because i am the first in my class or school but only because she wanted to proov that she is a BETTER parent then my BIOLOGICAL FATHER.
the problem is that for the past 4 years i did not really how much thet were both hurting me so much but now i feel it all i feel with this full darkness nothing is worthing it i feel so tired so .....DEAD .
this is my first year in high school and it a spacial one i mean that it is not avalable to all student ; you have to a little bit smarter and the next year i choosed math as an option so study . or to be more correct my FATHER WANTED IT SO BAD AND LUCKLY I GOT IT but you know what guys with all what i have sais nothing really important
now i have taking antidepressant for like 2 months and a half i have suicidal thinking and the only thing that stopping from doing that is because in our religion it is very wrong but i really feel that death is my only way out i spended years with NO SLEEP and with all the pressure and the exams it is just a very hell life but the other issue of my long list is that i have a big problem my self esteem i am so shy in the cless it is so hard on me to be active and to participate ( and let's not forget mi severe insomonia problem ) i spend hours searching in in net for solution but nothing is usefull just like me .
I HOPE THAT YOU READ THIS AND I AM SORRY FOR USING BAD WORDS AND ... THANK YOU ALL THE READERS
iamthedeathinitsworst iamthedeathinitsworst 16-17 Jul 4, 2012

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