Slowly Improving

When I was younger I was barely able to find the nerve to start conversations with people, even with those that weren't strangers. I was that girl who sat silently never making eye contact...never talking to anyone unless spoken too...I was practically invisible. Luckily, I'm to a point now where I can force myself to do it. Whether I know them or not I can force myself to smile, say hello, or bring up some random topic. I still worry what they're thinking of me, if I'm saying something that may be misinterpreted, or if I'm irritating them....but I still strive to open up and be kind and memorable. I want to make others happy and have true, comfortable relationships and encounters. I still have days where it's harder than others....Today for instance, I was hanging out with a group of friends. Well, they're more my husband's friends than mine, but I should feel more comfortable around them than I do by this point. I haven't seen them in a long time, but I wanted to be sociable, even though I had no clue what to say and I was so worried that it would be awkward...It's these insecurities that cause me to be so bashful. I decided to make a joke, which luckily went over well...however, then there was this awkward silence and I had no CLUE what to do or say and I suddenly just started racking my brain so intensely, which only made me even more aware of the awkward silence...which led to me worry that perhaps it wasn't the silence that was awkward, but ME! So, instead of just remaining calm and going with the flow, I was consumed with thoughts that I was just awkward in their eyes and I even considered turning on my heel and walking away! haha. But I just stood there and made a couple of random, lame comments which COMPLETELY revealed my shy, nervous existence. haha. Luckily however, MOST days aren't this bad anymore. Plus, this day did get much better once I was around them a little longer. I don't know why I allow my brain to get so crazy and worked up over nothing like that. At least I can convincingly FAKE confidence 80% of the time! lol. I'm just happy that I'm improving. I'm much more confidant than I used to be. I know that I can only become better with time. =D
cherryxblossom cherryxblossom
26-30, F
4 Responses Aug 1, 2010

I'm totally acquiring that attitude, which makes me a little sad at times. I mean, I'm proud that I'm growing more independent and stronger, but I don't my heart to grow cold in the process....I try to keep it balanced!

You're intelligent, and that goes a long way toward overcoming shyness. Along with age you'll find it gets easier and easier. It never goes away completely, but you just get more of a "I don't give a sh*t" attitude as you get older.

Thank you:) If only I could speak my mind as well as I can when I put my thoughts in writing. Of course, sometimes I even have a hard time finding the words then....but it gets easier and easier the older I get:P So that's comforting!

haha. Thanks, you're very sweet. You certainly know what to say to make me smile! =D