Hope For Death To Bring Me Home

I've tried to kill myself since I was 11 years old but everytime I have been saved by someone or something you can call it an act of "God" but I don't think any real god would want someone to suffer being alone with no one around them, that would be evil. 10 attempts over a few years and each time I've been brought back to life over and over, I've felt how nice dying is. You get very week and third then your body slowly goes numb and you can literally feel your soul leaving your body and then peace...

I hope, every night, that I never wake up to this tortured existence that someone will finally let me have peace and happiness. If I am stuck here for a purpose then I don't want it it's not worth this pain it's not worth being by myself and it's not worth having to wait for something I long for more than anything. I've given up on hopes and dreams and aspirations as they never get me anything, I've overachieved in academics, I've shown that I have talent, I am attractive but none of these things matter to anyone I meet. I'm just a bag of meat or weird for talking about intelligent topics.

I knew from the start I wasn't meant for this world and that this body isn't mine and that the people who are suppose to be "family" truly aren't related to me at all. I can't even type family without cringing. No love no trust ho happiness, I don't want a family I just want one person who cares if I live or die and wants to be a true friend, to go out with and play games with not just myself and my imaginary scenarios of having fun with people and cuddling up to someone at night. No, the illusions can no longer manifest themselves, all I dream of is death and the warm feeling that comes when you are finally dying.

I've stopped eating and drinking due to being too depressed to really get up and try and live, I know I'll have organ failure I know that I will have brain damage but this is only if someone finds me. I've made my will so I'm ready for the end. Maybe I'll be saved by someone who will love me but I doubt it as fate does not have that in store for me.

One day I'll die and it will be the most joyous day of my life.
LilletBlan LilletBlan
18-21, F
1 Response May 9, 2012

I feel like I am always by myself, always I have group projects in my school I am doing them myself, I am just a mister noone. And my family doesn``t want me to go home, they don`t particylary care about anythink but money. They left me here for the whole summer vacatin alone, every other student s back home with there families but instead of that I am looking for work here. They always inforce me to move to other bigger town alone, to be a stranger again and again, to leave my friends, and always I wish to come back they react like I just robbed their mney by spending money for transport. And I don`t lliteraly want to go home anymore because nobody waits me there. While the time pass I lost all of my past friends and now everybody is leaving. I am studying in student city and I am the last one here I am affraid. The onley one reason I didn`t kill myself is my little sister who love me so much. But the thing is I cannot pretend lately that everything is ok, I lost my strenght, my hopes, and I am telling her how sad I am. I don`t want to be like that. It is not her fault. It is mine. I shoud of be stronger but I just feel I am going mad. But I hould be and protect her.I just want to die aithout harming her. I want everything to be ok but I feel that all I can do is to die I don`t harm anymore anyone to disappear, as I am near to. thank you for listening.