Lost: Alone And Scared.

My name is Kat, I'm 17 years old and I've already been abused. I thought i had finally had my high school fairy tale romance. the one that always worked out and was just perfect in the end. i was wrong. it started off perfect. but things started to change. we broke up and i thought it was the end. but we started talking. and it seemed to be okay. at the started of my grade 11 year things came to a crashing stop. the night i told him i loved him and he said he loved me too. i told him how scared i was about it all and how I'm not sure what i feel but i know i love you. he got angry. at me and at whatever was bothering me. i said i love you and he said **** you. i dried myself to sleep. i felt so hurt and broken and destroyed. I've never been the same.

shortly after he got me talking to him again. he said he was sorry and i believed him. we got talking and all was good. but then he though i was interested in another guy. he got angry and he punched the wall of our school. my heart shrank, i felt the size of a pin, i was scared to the point i was shaking. he started yelling at me. he called me a heartless ***** that never deserved him and was **** for ever destroying what we had. he said I'd regret my decision. one i don't remember making. he threatened to kill himself if i wasn't with him. that i was all he had. he made me feel bad for wanting to feel okay. for wanting to feel anything. somehow he got me talking to him again. and we started dating again.

i felt okay. like he had always told me. he always said that when we're together that nothing else mattered. he told me no one would understand, he said i shouldn't tell me friends. he cut me off. always making me feel bad when i talked to them or spent a weekend with one of them. he got angry at me one night and said that i was unhappy. he told me that it wasn't right. and he broke up with me. i secretly always wanted out. but never had the strength. i was always scared of what he'd do. he could get a look in his eye, that made me shrink into the corner. scared of getting hit. my friends stood by and watched unable to truly know what to say. he told me they didn't care about me. that the people who had been there thought the past 10 years of my life we're nothing but strangers. he said he'd die for me, but my friends would sit by and watch me die. that they didn't care enough about me to do something. and like full circle he got me back again. i couldn't stop it.

we got talking and we seemed like we were going to be friends again and all this. Then he's dad kicked him out of the house after a BIG fight they had, and his dad called me a ***** and a **** and then he was like f you and all this. and his dad took his sneakers and threw them at him and told him to get out. so he walked to his friends and i told him it was going to be okay and that i would be there for him. Then he kept pouring everything on me, he told me how he was thinking about suicide and how his life was not worth living and i was like breaking apart. and he just like took his life and placed it in my hands. and was like here you drop or lose it or talk to another guy i die. and i told him that was too much to put on a person and i know that he's depressed and hurting. but i didn't know what i could do for him. So then that must of set him off, and he said you selfish ***** you said you'd be here for me and now you're letting me go and all this. and i kept trying to tell him otherwise but he wouldn't listen. So then i was at my friend hanging out with a guy and i kinda liked him. so it was just defenceless flirting and talking. Brandi and i had to write a paper for safe grad and had to have it up at the school for like 1 so, he had parked in front of my car so i couldn't get out. so he just took us. We got out of the car and HE was standing at the door and saw us. We then gave our papers to our teacher and on our way out, HE turned over to me and said "have fun *******, *****." and then walked away. all i could do was stand there. my friend had to push me out of the school and back into his car. So then when i got home i went and read his blog, where he called me a selfish manipulative cold hearted *****. Because he things i was out screwing a guy yesterday for reasons I'm unsure of. Then he kept going on about all these lies about me and about Ryan. Then i looked at his Facebook statues and he went off there too. Saying that he "Hates manipulative selfish lying ******* that use you for 2 years and then leave you when you need them the most... Just saying'... :/ p. s.- also hate supposed friends since kindergarten who go behind your back and try to get on the above mentioned ***** regardless of any history you have with her and how recent it was. Back stabbing mother ******..." he latter told me i was a *****, told me to go **** myself and that i was never going to find lover gain. this all happened in the course of 6 months.

also a **** load of lies. i feel HORRIBLE. and i know that things he is saying about me are completely untrue, but i still find myself believing every word. No matter what other people have been saying. i know i should be there for him, right now. but i don't know how to get passed this. he's gone too far. and it hurts. it actually brings physical pain. i know i should be there helping him, but i couldn't be responsible for his life in my hands, i hardly know my own. and i don't want him to die and i just don't have a clue what else i should do. i want to help him, but at the same time i want to run him over with my car for saying all those mean and untrue things. i think they're untrue? i don't even know anymore! I'm actually starting to think they are. my heart says they are. but a voice in the back of my head is saying that they are true. and that i am.

he seems like he's changed. but I'm scared out of my mind of what he could do. i miss him. but i hate him for breaking me to the point of now return. I'm not the same person anymore. i used to courageous and fearless and outgoing. I'm nothing but a body and a fake smile now.

xklauren xklauren
1 Response Jul 12, 2010

We hurt the ones we love or the ones closest to us. We learn by seeing, hearing and feeling. If his father berates him, calls you a bad word, and throws shoes at his own son then where do you think he is getting his example from? Unfortunately, he cannot tell his father how he feels, he can't express himself positively to his father, so he takes it out on you because "we" hurt the ones closest to us. You'll learn about this in college when you take Psychology. Its like the kid that grows up with parents that are alcoholics. The kid knows after years of seeing his or her parents destroy their life with alcohol that it isn't wise to follow in the same footsteps, but unfortunately later in life the son/daughter becomes an alcoholic. Why? Because it was a learned behavior, it was taught, it was seen even if the parents expressed for their child to never follow in their footsteps. This same concept applies to verbal and physical abuse.

Besides being so young and not knowing how to deal with love, a broken heart, a relationship, seeing you talk to another boy etc. - your ex needs help. He needs professional help, a counselor and not a school counselor, but its not a bad place to start. Hopefully his parents could help him out with seeking professional counseling. He needs more than just a 1 time session. If anything a few sessions would probably be best.

Don't you worry about what he has said about you, and please do stay away from him. Keep him in your prayers. If he says he will kill himself then you tell him I hope you don't, and I would really miss you, but statements like that aren't going to bring me back.

xklauren you have your life to live. Have fun and don't worry about the drama. You obviously are a good person just by the simple fact you have sought out assistance with this situation. (1) Again keep him in your prayers, (2) understand he's learned his behavior most likely from one, if not both of his parents, (3) he doesn't mean/want to hurt you, but will continue to do so because he hasn't been taught how to deal effectively with his emotions, (4) and right now this boy is not relationship material.

I hope this helps. Take care, good luck and God Bless you.