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My Ex Was Verbally Abusive

Women can be abusive also.  I was involved with a women who I thought loved me.  It is hard to find stories that relate to mine.  Usually it is the women who claim abuse.  Verbal abuse can be worse than physical.  It leaves no physical scars, just a scarred heart that others on the outside looking in do not see.  This is the most difficult situation to deal with.   When I was a little kid growing up my sisters and brother would call me names.  Now in my mid 30's, it was my ex-girlfriend who did it.   When you care for a person, whether you are a women or a man, and you do all you can like let them live in your home, cook for them, etc, its hard to hear them say you are so stupid, get a job, your a slob.   It makes no sense and although it may sound harmless, it is not.  See these people are hard to figure out.  For one they do not even think this is a problem they have.  When others like friends and family see this person, they see a kind person who is outgoing, friendly and hardworking.   When it comes time to spend your alone time with this person, it is like seeing night and day.  For one a whole different person comes out that is mean and abusive, being verbally assaulting and controlling.  I am trying to find answers to people with this personality.  They do not think they need help!   See my ex-girlfriend fell head over heals for me in the beginning of our relationship, and in the beginning I was a person who had no job, was on probation for drugs, and she still would say things like I love you so much, send me text messages on my phone stating how much fun I am and how much she enjoyed being with me.  Also let me add that this women was coming off of a divorce with another man.   Of course I though nothing about it because I was loving every minute of it.   Why wouldn't I, my confidence was up and my self-esteem was also climbing.   Six months of this went on.   We had a great sexual relationship and we were doing things together as a couple.  Then things slowly and gradually changed.   For one I noticed her sex drive was slowing down, using excuses like I am tire and not in the mood tonight.  She would say thing like "if only you were more romantic and would go to bed at the same time with me, would help".  Okay it was not like I was asking for it, I was just trying to get intimate and close.  That is not my big issue.  After a while she would get controlling with the cleaning of the house.   I am not a dirty person and all my friends and their girlfriends would back me on that.    This women had a day job and would call me during the day and tell me kind things and ask how I was doing and say she loved me.  Great I appreciated it.  Then she would come home and I would have a smile on my face.   She would go on this nagging behavior all of a sudden as soon she walked through the door to my house.  Saying "this house is a mess, you are such a slob, you do not do anything all day and I come home to this"  At first I would think its normal behavior and that is what women do, but it kept going on and on.  After a while she would do this in front of friends.  Everything was an argument with her.  She would start a argument over a simple thing like what we were eating for dinner, or even argue over the money I spent on fixing up my house.  It was not her money I was using, she would just get mad that I did not spend it on us.  Other thing would follow after an argument, calling me stupid or a retard when I tried helping out with cleaning up after a meal I cooked for us.  Stating that I was a sloppy cook who did not pick up after himself.   This behavior wears you down mentally.   Finally towards the end of our relationship, she stated to me she was not happy and we were not going anywhere as a couple.   She stated that she wanted kids and I don't.  Well its not that I did not want kids, its that I was scared to have kids with a person who displayed this behavior towards me.  Of course me being the shy and quiet person I am, did not tell her this.  What I am looking for after telling this story to all of you is why do women do this.  I know men do this also, but since I am the man who is being abused hear, I would like a women's perspective on this.  I am looking for answers!

fam6236 fam6236 36-40, M 11 Responses May 29, 2009

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Seems to me she fell out of love and what was cute in the beginning, started to irritate her for some reason. Perhaps she was never in love or just had expectations you didn't know about and thus couldn't meet, so she got mad. It's just a love short lived. I am sorry you had to endure it. Were you doing drugs, trashing the house, abusing her in any way, didn't pay your bills, etc? I can see how she might get fed up and lose it...

you Sound like a good man. I wish i could leave the man im in love with and be with someone whos went though the same pain. I sugguest you stay alone till the right one comes. Live a happy life. She has a problem and sad to say but some people never change, its just not in them. I wish i could do what you did its hard but in the long run you will be ok even if your alone for ten years take charge of you life like i wish i could in mine. God bless.

Ps. I dont clean the dishes after i cook cuz i hate for my food to be cold. He yells at me about that but some.things will never change ;)

I understand all to well what your going through. My ex husband was the same way and taught my daughter to treat me that way. If your not out, get out. Read these books by Patrica Evans is will change your life. get on verbalabuse.com, it has helped me so much. the books explain them completly and helps you know it not your fault and that they are sick. It's an emotional disease and sadly some think they have done nothing wrong and will never change. But you can change for the better and understand why this happens and save yourself.

I reccomend you to strongly get out of this relationship, and not have any kids with that woman, I know the feeling. Those people who are abusive hold on to their hate and spread it around, like a disease. They refuse to get help and see where everything started. Save yourself. Save your kids from a traumatic life.

Sounds exactly like my mom. And you guessed, I`m the kid of such a couple. I think I`ve developed bordeline personality only living with those people, between extremes. My dad doesn`t exactly seem to care, he doesn`t have a job, he doesn`t wwant one. My mother is the mom and dad in the relationship, and always constantly nagged him. But that happened even when he was working and healthy, she always provockes fights. When it`s not dad, then it`s me.

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I am a married man who has been verbally abused by his wife for 12 years, so I can relate. I have read a lot about verbal abuse and as far as I can tell, people who are verbally abusive often come from backgrounds of abuse where they learned this behavior from parents or older siblings or other role models. Verbally abusive people typically have some type of self-esteem issue that they cover up by being very social and almost perfectionistic people. It's like they can't handle reality, so they take it out on someone close to them, it could be a spouse, or in the absence of a spouse it could be a child. My wife's brother is married to a very strong woman and he does not abuse his wife but he does verbally abuse his children because his wife is too strong so he has to find someone else "weaker" to take it out on. Verbally abusive people typically present well to the outside world, very friendly and accommodating--this is their perfect self being presented to the world. On the inside, they have self-doubts for whatever reason that they haven't learned to manage; this self-doubt manifests itself as anger. Typical behaviors are blaming behaviors, cursing at spouses, name-calling, putdowns, generalizing the spouse's behavior, controlling behaviors, and over time cutting the spouse off from a support system. I honestly don't think my wife has any idea how verbally abusive she is. She knows she has issues but she thinks it's normal wife/husband behavior or that if I did things differently then she wouldn't have to be abusive. <br />
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I definitely have had a hard time finding stories like my own as well.

Feel sorry for you tj. Same situation here.

abuse is about power and control and definitely either gender can do it. why guys who abuse get more 'publicity' as abusers is probably because they are more commonly physical abusers where women more commonly abuse verbally--and the physical abuse grabs more coverage/attention. a small percentage of women physically abuse men, too. rather than being unaware of their power-mongering; they ARE aware of it, live by it, thrive on it. it WORKS for them. after all--their victim always takes full blame for anything wrong, bows and scrapes, bends over backward to make things work, professes devotional, never-ending love no matter what happens. the only way to stop it is to leave/kick them out, whichever--forever. period. Thank God you did.<br />
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i have been abused in every way possible and have been alone and at peace for eight years now. nice guys and nice gals are said to finish last. hmm, if so then 'last-place' denotes folks who are civilized and kind and think its wrong to hurt people, and brave enough to live alone without the need to use people till that special someone comes along. if 'first-place people' are the opposite; count me in as coming in 'dead-last'. <br />
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BE CAREFUL: it's oh-so easy, as an abuser's ex-prey, to fall right into another predator's trap. they have radar: they can feel our pain and hurt and WILL make a play on you to get their needs met. I KNOW. GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS YOU.

Thank you for your support on this topic. Your right, its not all women who do this, and any of them who read this should not get that impression. When I bring this topic up with others, they say nice people really do finish last. That statement really does seem true in times like this.

having any kind of contact with a verbally abusive person can lead you to suicide. i wanted to die after living with my mother who was verbally abusive when i ran into money problems.

Im sorry you went through this. Your ex-girlfriend sounds like she has a real problem - no one deserves the kind of constant criticism you describe.<br />
Why do women do this? They dont. Its not women, its this particular woman. Dont let her actions poison you against all of that gender.<br />
She probably has low self esteem - picking on you put her in a positon of superiority. She probably doesnt recognise her behaviour as abuse, and probably wouldnt consider herself to have low self esteem. But on some level making you feel like sh*t gave her some kind of power boost. <br />
If she was making everything into an arguement then thats a sure sign she was unhappy - sometimes people cause fights to try and give reasons to leave, or even to try and get some sort of passionate response from someone they feel is apathetic. <br />
Forget her, move on with your life. You know in your heart if you really are the person she described you as. Find someone who can appreciate your qualities and with whom you can have a real partnership with. Good luck :)