December 5

Have you ever wanted to be anyone but yourself? I have. Suffering from depression and bipolar disorder, surrounded by family members that also struggle with the same conditions, has landed me in what I call "The Well." I cannot express how much energy and effort it takes for me to pretend to be even remotely happy. The Well is the spectrum of utter gloom I am cast under and cannot escape. The worst part is, I am blessed and fortunate to live in a first world country, with a caring mother and sister, a job, a warm bed, etc. I have a small group of friends, some that constantly try to remind me how wonderful life can be, but it never sticks. At any moment, I can cry, for no reason except for the deep, deep sadness that consumes me. I am desperate to be happy. I have known attention-seeking people who want others to propel love and affection and attention onto them for satisfaction. I want to be inherently happy, not from external causes or forces. I don't foresee this happening. Attitude problem? I've tried it all. I hate being this way; hate myself for being so dark.

Alcohol is sometimes a crutch of mine. Obviously, not a healthy or sustaining choice to make oneself happy. I would not call myself an alcoholic, but I would never turn down a drink or a night out.

As a result of my depression, bitterness, and anger, I tend to isolate myself from the world and wallow in my guilt and anguish. I've burned many bridges because no one wants to be around someone who is as miserable as me.
ma514 ma514
22-25, F
Dec 5, 2012