I Am Winning My Battle!!!

I thought when I first started suffering with the flashbacks was when my PTSD started.  I was wrong.  When my first traumatic experience started is when the PTSD started.  

I also thought all this time, that my first traumatic experience was about 8 years old, with the Uncle and the trash can.  I was wrong about that too.  I, within the past few months have started to have a huge fear of heights.  I have always had a fear of heights but now I've noticed that even watching Tv can trigger my fear of heights.  Any time now when I see things to do with height I notice that uncomfortable feeling, like if I am in that place on Tv.  I have to look away until that part is over.  I haven't written about this new experience yet.  I've thought about writing it, just haven't done it.  I'm sure I will soon.   Something happened to me to do with heights, I was even younger.  Just like the trash can incidence, I have always remembered the experience just didn't deal with the fear of it.  Not sure about my age.  I just know I lived in another house before my little brother was born so I must have been under 6 years.  Like I said, I'll write about this a little later.  

PTSD is a mental disorder.  It's when traumatic things happen to us, our brains deal with it the best way they can which is to swallow the fear, anger,sadness, whatever negative emotion the experience gave us.  I have always remembered each experience, I just would think about it and quickly make it go away.  I never even knew that I had a problem.  I just thought I was born nervous.  

With all the traumatic things that have happened in my life starting at such a young age, finally in my middle 40's something happened and it made it all come tumbling down.  I would notice at first it was little things.  Like for instance, every time my son would come home from the hospital, I would have a small breakdown.  They would last about two weeks.  In those two weeks, I would take my Xanax and things would be perfect.  I use to think Xanax was a miracle pill but of course, it isn't.  No drug can be.  It just sugar coats our problems.  After the two weeks, I would be Ok again.  I would taper off my Xanax again and be back to my old self.  As happy and content as I (thought) I could be.   It was when my husband had his first stroke that I eventually lost it.  I was by his side at the hospital.  After the third week in the hospital, he got moved to a different section, the rehab section.  It was in that part that I lost it.  I didn't like that room from the very beginning.  Something about it made me very uncomfortable.  The second night, I started to cry.  No matter how much Xanax I took, it didn't help.  I was an emotional wreck!!!  By the next morning I knew things were different.  I knew I could not stay with my husband.  That also killed me.  I wanted to stay by his side so bad.  I didn't want to leave him alone but I couldn't stay.  I called my brother to come and get me and he did. 

That was the beginning of the worst for me.  The next 6 months I laid in my bed in total fear.  I was in a different place, mentally, emotionally.  My greatest fear was that I would not be able to come back from the dark place that I was in mentally!!!  During those 6 months, the first (or what I thought was the first traumatic experience) traumatic experience was trying to come out but I was terrified and would push it back where it was hidden deep in my memory.  I kept thinking of that trash can and me in it.  Over and over, it kept playing in my mind.  I thought I was going insane and did not understand what was happening to me.  I was scared out of my mind.  Finally, I called my oldest sister, I did not want to be alone and I was.  I told her what was happening and right away she knew what was wrong and what it was called..........PTSD.  That was the first time I had ever heard of PTSD.  Not only is my oldest sister an RN but she also had PTSD many years earlier.  So she knew as soon as I told her what I was experiencing, what my problem was.  She talked to me and tried to get me to push myself out of that trash can.  You see, even though I knew who and where I was, in my mind, I was back at 8 years of age, in that old, dark, stinky, hot trash can that my Uncle put me in, put the lid on and sat on top of.  I was mentally still locked in there and I could NOT get out!!!  Finally, after all these years, those emotions that I hid away in the depths of my brain started coming out.  I could not make them go back in any longer....

That first flashback was by far the most horrible, most terrifying!!!  The next four years were also horrible.  I had flashbacks every single day.  Back then, they lasted for months at a time.  I had to FIGHT those old demons that were trying to take me and keep me down.  Fortunately for me, even though I didn't know GOD as well as I do now, I held on to GOD for dear life.  I was on a roller coaster ride from hell.  All I could do was hold on to GOD.  I knew without a doubt that he would NOT leave me where I was mentally.  HE didn't!!!

Now, it's been almost 8 years since the beginning of those horrifying, dark, constant flashbacks.  I still suffer from them BUT they use to last months at a time, then to weeks, then to days, now to hours or even minutes.  They are still scary, I handle them now without Xanax.  I haven't taken a Xanax in at least 2 years, maybe 3.  I stay strong with GOD.  I ask HIM to give me the strength, courage to help me through them.  I ask HIM to heal me from inside out.  I ask HIM to make me conquer those old demons that have haunted me for so long.  And so HE does....  I smile now every single day, when not so long ago, I couldn't even smile.....

One more thing,  I did start to see a therapist after the first flashback finally surfaced.  I saw her for about 7 or 8 months.  I stopped seeing her and later started seeing another one closer to my town.  I was fortunate enough that both of my therapists were firm believers in GOD.  They believed in GOD'S healing powers.  So did my oldest sister.  My sister introduced me to another women who also had PTSD and also believed in GOD'S healing powers.  For me to see these people that had PTSD and now they had normal lives gave me the strength to know that I also could do just as they did, which was to use GOD and eventually get better.......

I don't know yet if I will one day be totally free from PTSD, I just know that I am in a much better place than I was 8 years ago...