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Darkness Go Away



It's always with me.  Sometimes inside me sooo quietly that I don't even know it's there.  Other times like now, it's strong, it's taking over.  I fight it as best I can.  I'm afraid, uncomfortable.  The little girl inside me comes out, her feelings control my mind.  There's no where to go, I cannot escape it.  It surrounds me.  
I call to my husband.  I tell him, I'm afraid.  He already knows what that means.  So he holds me, sitting there quietly with me.  My tears start to run down my face.  Past pain, hurt comes to the surface.  I have to remind myself that all of those monsters from my past are all gone now.  Only the bad memories hidden away in my mind.  They come back to haunt me.  

It's ok Lily.  You've been through this many times before.  It will pass.  The dark scary world will go away.....the light will come back...


TexasLily TexasLily 51-55, F 8 Responses Mar 25, 2012

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Hang in there. So glad you have someone to stand with you. It is hard to stand alone. I am glad that you have some body at your back.

hi angus, it's as comforting as it can be. no one can take it away but it is nice n comforting to know that my husband does try to help.

Peace:)

Hi Lena, ohh, that was me comforting my inner self. My husband isn't good with words but just feeling his hand in mine comforts me...:-) Don't know if people totally ever get over PTSD. I do know that it does lessen with time.

I agree with your husband's statement. the light will come through. I do hope one day you get over it.

Different things trigger. Sometimes tho, I'll be feeling perfectly happy, just minding my own business and BOOM, it comes. Sometimes it hits me hard and fast, other times slowly and gradually. The great thing is that now it doesn't last nearly as long as it use to. So I just say to myself, it's ok Lily, hold on, it will soon pass...

I don't think anyone should ever feel embarrassed or ashamed for expressing their thoughts and feelings through writing in those situations. It takes a lot of courage to do that and if you can build up courage and confidence it can only help make things less scary in the future. It would be more unhealthy I think to keep everything buried and not have a documented record you can review later to help gain an understanding of what happened and what triggers to watch out for in the future.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed or ashamed that I write when I'm in that darkness but I don't think any other PTSD victims do this while they are going through it. I do it so that they will know they are NOT alone in this sometimes dark and scary world, even if it's only in our minds. This is my cross that I bear, I do it with GOD beside me. Just knowing that I have you, Pete, on my side helps me tremendously. More than you could ever know......:-)

I hadn't seen any stories from you in a while so I was getting worried. I know that the writing has always been a big help to you in working through those dark episodes. Your PTSD stories have also been so helpful to others facing the same struggles. I wish I could get face to face with those monsters that try to scare my dear friend Lily. I would give them a good butt kicking they wouldn't soon forget.