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Not Sure About This One

About the title to this story.  I meant, I didn't know if I should write this story under Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or another new group.  To me, it's part of my PTSD.  So this is where I will write it.

I have been wanting to write about this for a while now but then again, I didn't.  Maybe I didn't want to have to think about it, to write it.  

I've been drug free for almost 8 years.  I also stopped drinking again for over a year now.  I stopped drinking when I stopped smoking weed, back in 2004.   I started having a few wine coolers like on my birthday or certain holidays.  Never more than 3.  I had to end up stopping that too.  I would notice that drinking would make me go into PTSD mode.  So anything to make that feeling not come to me, of course, I will stop it.  

I've noticed that when I talk about my past drug addiction, this uncomfortable, uneasy, anxious feeling comes over me.  As soon as I stop talking about it, it goes away.  When I mention that to my friends or family, they all say the same thing.  They think it's my fear of going back to weed or alcohol that making me get those negative feelings.  I beg to differ.  I know that I will never go back to drugs or alcohol.   Many years ago, back in 2004 when my flashbacks started, they started when I was stoned on weed.  I would be just as calm, happy, that good feeling we get from being stoned.  Then all the sudden, this horrific feeling unlike anything I had ever experienced would completely take over me.  I would always go straight to my room, to be alone.  I wouldn't talk to my husband, just get up and go straight to my bedroom.  I would get in my bed, under the blankets and curl up.  That's where I felt the safest.  The feeling would pass with a few minutes and I would then go back out and resume smoking.  So, in my mind, if I EVER smoke weed again, that horrific feeling will come back.  Even though I have felt that same feeling hundreds of times because of those flashbacks.  Why would I want to do anything that MIGHT bring them back???  I get them even sober also.  Why though, would I want to be high and have those feelings come back.   Understand my way of thinking???   So to me, going back on drugs will bring that feeling back, so why even go there!!!

Now, I can talk or think a little about my past drug experience but I can't dwell on it for too long.  It wasn't just weed.  I did weed for 25 years but I also dabbled in Hashish and LSD.  I can think about those partying days with my friends.  I did have some great times with my buddies but maybe it's me thinking about WHY I did drugs to begin with.  Of course, to drown my emotional pain.  

To me, my fear comes from me and the drugs and how I thought I was so in control but really, I wasn't.  One of my greatest fears is me NOT being in control of myself.  Even though, since those darker times, I have learned to give GOD my fears, I'm still not 100% there yet as far as those fears go.  Does that make sense???  

It's like, I'm thinking of what horrible things COULD have happened to me, being on those drugs.  How could I have taken  so any chances??  Yet, I did...

Just thinking about it now, makes me feel uneasy but not too bad.  I know, if it gets too bad, I can stop it.  Maybe, I need to write more about this.  Like some of my trips on the different drugs.  I don't know...

TexasLily TexasLily 51-55, F 3 Responses May 24, 2012

Your Response


Hello Pete, so good to hear from you. Yes, definitely after writing this story, I'm thinking more and more about it. That's why I took so long to write, I didn't want to think about it. It's out now, another reason is my GUILT of doing drugs even AFTER I had my beautiful babies. Another story I need to write about. The GUILT I keep hidden inside that needs to come out, that I cannot let go of....

Another excellent story regarding PTSD Lily. I think you are dead on in your evaluation too. Drug and alcohol use may act as triggering mechanisms for those negative feelings but as you wisely observed, the real root of the fear is a lack of control over life events which probably provided the motivation to partake of drugs and alcohol in the first place.

Hi Lena. Yes, I'm starting to realize that I do need to talk about those days. My friends that I use to party with don't know how talking about this makes me feel. I wonder if any of them feel the same. Like what in the world were we doing??? I'm pretty sure now after writing this story that this is what it is. WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED??? For some reason this is in me and I know it needs to come out...<br />
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I guess because our beds make us feel so comfy n cozy, this is why we go there to get that feeling...:-)