What Has Happened To Me?

For a couple of years I faced intimidation and bullying at work by senior managers. I would complain to my manager about all the issues, even put a written complaint as well as a verbal complaint with HR. However I was told it was a very political enviornment at work?? I would often cry at work, not sleep at nites, had panic attacks, would jump at the phone ringing, would be afraid to open emails from senior managers, but I dont know why I ignored the signs of what was happening to me. I was made redundant last year while recovering from a work injury. I got a job 6 months later, was all excited, went shopping for clothes, and was finally putting all the bad thoughts and bullies behind me, was proud that I did not let the bullies get to me... what hit next was the most traumatising experience of my life. I went to work on my first day at the new job... went for a meeting and all I could feel and experience was the way I was intimidated by my previous workplace, memories of my past job flooded me, I could not focus, concentrate, I began to get anxiety attacks, was rushing to and from the bathroom the entire day, sat in the bathroom crying...all the memories and bullies of my previous workplace began to come in and i was very scared. I left work crying and screaming in the car. The next day, I was too scared, fearful and cried and cried... I went to see my phycologist who had told me I was not ready for work, but I said yes I am... and went for this job. it was then when she told me that I had PTSD and acute depression... Everyday reminds me of the past, of the people and how they behaved. they are now controlling my mind, my actions... I keep asking myself why? what could I have done to avoid this situation. After speaking with my phycologist, I learnt I was in a lose lose situation, now I sit and wonder WHAT IF? I am too scared to meet friends as they will ask me questions, they are happy, they speak about their work etc.. I prefer sitting by myself at home, this way no one will say anything to me or I dont have to speak with anyone..
MandyTad MandyTad
36-40, F
2 Responses Jun 3, 2012

Hi, since my post I have seen a psychologist which is probably the only thing that is helping me, family friends advice does not seem to help. I am still struggling to find a door to open to move forward, last week when I woke up with anxiety attack as if something bad was going to happen, I found an inner voice saying.. the bad has not happened, and if it does when it happens deal with it. Bad things happen but there is a solution to every problem. i felt so much better, it was as if my inner me was waking up. That was last week, but the events still continue to truamatise me. A friend of mine gave me a book called - Battlefield of the mind. At first I was upset to be given this book, but I finally picked it up and started reading it. I have stopped believing in God, and though this books relates to God and Satan, there were many parts of the book which have helped me. I dont know what will happen when I go back to a new job, I am terrified to have the feeling again, and I know it is going to be horrible if It happens again. since the last time I have kept myself at home, small incidents make me upset, remember the horrible people at work but I have to keep telling myself they are in your past not your present, and they will never be there again. It is not easy, and I dont like having to fight with myself, I am confused, I wish I could stand in front of those bullies and say what I have to say, but that will never happen. Sometimes life is just unfair. I have a long way to go, we all have a long way to go, but someday it will happen. I would like to share a poem my psychologist gave me -'s about treating ourselves with acceptance and love.<br />
<br />
Love After Love<br />
<br />
The time will come<br />
when, with elation,<br />
you will greet yourself arriving<br />
at your own door, in your own mirror,<br />
and each will smile at the other’s welcome<br />
and say, sit here. Eat.<br />
You will love again the stranger who was your self.<br />
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart<br />
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you<br />
all your life, whom you have ignored<br />
for another, who knows you by heart.<br />
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,<br />
the photographs, the desperate notes,<br />
peel your own image from the mirror.<br />
Sit. Feast on your life.<br />
<br />
some day we will be back to our normal selves and will feast on our life.. I would encourage you to see a psycologist, even if it costs a bit, this is not the life we have to lead and we have every right to enjoy life as anyone else. Its time we dont let others rule our lives.. The road is very scary but with the help from a psycologist it will get better. It may never go away but I am sure we can deal with it better... I was told that when we drive ourselves mercilessly and ignore our emotional needs in an effort to "get over it", we end up abusing ourselves - recreating our bullying experience. In such a situation, the bully wins - we continue to suffer as they intended.<br />
<br />
When we give ourselves time and space to heal naturally and listen to our bodies with compassion and gentleness, the brain has a chance for real, sustainable recovery.

Keep on keeping on. That is what you need.Don't push too hard, too fast, but keep moving forward, even if it's only an inch a day.

I can relate, very well. I don't have an answer, only to say that you are not alone.