What Has Happened To Me?
For a couple of years I faced intimidation and bullying at work by senior managers. I would complain to my manager about all the issues, even put a written complaint as well as a verbal complaint with HR. However I was told it was a very political enviornment at work?? I would often cry at work, not sleep at nites, had panic attacks, would jump at the phone ringing, would be afraid to open emails from senior managers, but I dont know why I ignored the signs of what was happening to me. I was made redundant last year while recovering from a work injury. I got a job 6 months later, was all excited, went shopping for clothes, and was finally putting all the bad thoughts and bullies behind me, was proud that I did not let the bullies get to me... what hit next was the most traumatising experience of my life. I went to work on my first day at the new job... went for a meeting and all I could feel and experience was the way I was intimidated by my previous workplace, memories of my past job flooded me, I could not focus, concentrate, I began to get anxiety attacks, was rushing to and from the bathroom the entire day, sat in the bathroom crying...all the memories and bullies of my previous workplace began to come in and i was very scared. I left work crying and screaming in the car. The next day, I was too scared, fearful and cried and cried... I went to see my phycologist who had told me I was not ready for work, but I said yes I am... and went for this job. it was then when she told me that I had PTSD and acute depression... Everyday reminds me of the past, of the people and how they behaved. they are now controlling my mind, my actions... I keep asking myself why? what could I have done to avoid this situation. After speaking with my phycologist, I learnt I was in a lose lose situation, now I sit and wonder WHAT IF? I am too scared to meet friends as they will ask me questions, they are happy, they speak about their work etc.. I prefer sitting by myself at home, this way no one will say anything to me or I dont have to speak with anyone..