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Only The Lonely

Today I had a flashback.  I knew something was wrong.  I could feel my heart racing.  That's always the first sign.  I try to do things to occupy my mind, maybe it will go away.  I listen to music or start chatting with people online.  It didn't help.  The fast heart rate stayed.  Then that uncomfortable feeling starts, uneasiness, anxiety.  So I go to my room where I'm most comfortable.  I go to my bed and get under the blankets.  I lay on my stomach and hold my pillow.  I prepare myself because I know it's coming.  I'm pretty sure I know why it's happening.  Had a falling out with a friend.  I really didn't think I would go into my PTSD mode.I should know better by now.

I finally start to cry, that always helps me to let go.  This overwhelming feeling of unlove comes over me.  It's building and crying will help me to let it go.  Writing also helps me, so that's why I'm here now.  I wanted my husband to hold me but he was eating and I didn't want to bother him.  He has never been one to say, Lily, whenever that feeling comes over you, I'm here for you.  

Yeah, I need someone to hold me but there is no one. My husband would do it but only for a bit and I can tell he'd rather NOT be holding me.  He's not one to be holding, even holding my hand.  It's uncomfortable for him.  So when this feeling comes back to haunt me, yeah, I feel very alone. Like I'm only lonely, the only one....

Thanks for listening...

TexasLily TexasLily 56-60, F 6 Responses Jul 29, 2012

Your Response


Thanks Pmacphoto. My PTSD isn't near as bad as it once was. I still get a few flashbacks here n there but rarely. It's still scary of course. I survived the worst.

I know how PTSD can hit you between the eyes when you least expect it, two weeks ago my counselor told me something that devastated me and I almost did`nt go back. I changed counselors and I told my old counselor that he needs to tell the two vets that said something to come say it to my face. You know at first I was pissed at you but told myself hey that is probably what 99% of the guys are thinking so I cooled off and if you ever need to talk to someone cause of your PTSD don`t hesitate.

Yes, you're right Pete, I always do what I have to do. I survived the worst of these horrible flashbacks. I get mentally stronger everyday but I still have a ways to go. I think I'm going to be an extra late bloomer but I do feel that I will get there...:-)

I can certainly understand your trepidation Lily but I still worry about you not having a support system in place if something were to happen to your husband whose health is not the best. I know you have much more courage that you often give yourself credit for and I know that God will give you the strength you need because you have such a strong faith in him.

The thought of me having a flashback in public scares me. I don't want to be around people when the flashbacks come. I don't even like to be around my children, especially my grand kids when I'm in PTSD mode. I don't want to frighten them. My counselor told me, I am their rock and it frightens them to see me not being mom, the strong one. Only my husband, he is the only one I feel safe around. Even though he isn't comfortable with me when I have them, he will sit with me or sometimes even hold me for a bit depending on how bad it gets but I know it's out of his comfort zone. I rarely get them now but ohhhh just the thought of having one and not being home.... waaaay out of my comfort zone.

Some men are not at all comfortable with the holding and embracing thing as you mentioned Lily. I think most of them wish they could do it but there is something blocking them psychologically.<br />
I worry about you being isolated. I know your home is your sanctuary where you feel safe and protected but you need to build a network of support outside of that even though the idea is probably very unsettling for you. As I mentioned several months ago I know you would be an awesome volunteer for any community organization. Please give that some thought.