Still Screaming On The Inside!

I made a major sacrifice in not only my life but in my child's life. I decided to go overseas to work for a year. I had no ides as to what I would be getting myself into. The flight was long and overrated for the price of the ticket. I was told by the company I decided to go work for that you get a round trip ticket company paid. So, if I got overseas and decided it was too much for me I could ALWAYS go home. Well, sounded like a game plan for me we stayed in one country for a two days to rest after a 22 hours flight just to get on another flight to Afghanistan. Two hours later we landed in Kandahar Afghanistan. I must admit it was not something I was use to seeing and I felt like I was sleep and dreaming a terrible, horrible dream. WTH had I gotten myself into was money really worth leaving my daughter. Do not let me get started with the way it smelled it was even worse. It smelled like a massive amounts of dead bodies and I learned later that day it was a pond of poop. Now I really had gone to hell in a hand bag. Our living conditions was a large tent with many bodies around us. I was like no privacy, no indoor showers. Hush your mouth anxiety set in and I was not prepared for these conditions in no way. My body aches and my feet were killing me. I was in disbelief that this is what I signed up for. the shower was a 3 to 5 minute walk away and it was a hard structure facility and there were port-a-lets as toilets. I wanted to shower and go to sleep and wake up from this dream. I started sleeping with music on my ears to try to drown out the noise of others and I even used a sleeping mask to keep the light out my eyes. My body adjusted to the drama of others rudeness easily. The smell was still in the air and I couldn't get away from it. Then about 2 or 3 am there was a attack on the base and I immediately was frightened. I knew what to do but where to go was another story so I followed the crowd. I was in my pjs in a filthy and dirty bunker, but I was supposedly safe. OMW I could not believe how horrible a day this has come to. I got on another flight the next day after getting no sleep in Kandahar and I went to Bagram Air Force base. I was not going to be surprised because Kandahar had already traumatized me enough. There were rocks, rocks, and more rocks and my feet started to develop blisters because my feet were not use to those conditions. Bagram was a awesome place after being in Bagram for 19 months not one time was the base attacked. There were many bunker drills just to be sure we were aware of our surroundings. I must admit Bagram made me rethink the overseas life until I saw my first falling comrade ceremony. I couldn't ask for anything but understanding then there was many attacks outside the wire which ALWAYS scared my endlessly. There was not a day that went by I was not concerned when I knew a convoy was going out. It seemed every other day there was another falling comrade ceremony. How? Why? and what could I do in order to help this poor innocent individual that just died at war or most importantly the family that had to be notified. I spent many years overseas and I have heard and seen it all and there seems to be nothing that surprises me anymore ol yea maybe the slamming of a door when I am home. Anything that is sudden makes me want to crawl under my bed and forget where I am at. I have insomnia to the point to where I was prescribed medication and I took it one night and I had dreams that even I could not understand. I could not control my sleep so I stop taking the meds. I need to be able to wake up not dreams of dead bodies and war that was not a good pill. I went to see a counselor and he made me feel even worse than what I did before I went in. I was like what is the point of counseling if nobody understand what I am going through. I am still in la la land trying to figure out my issues with being overseas. I do know it has affected me in many ways I lash out at everybody and yes I am a fun loving person but I scream at everybody sometimes for no reason. I am trying to be my own counselor but when will there be somebody to understand me and my circumstances? I was not a military person carrying the weapon but I am a civilian who has been traumatized just as much without seeing dead bodies laying in front of me. So, what is it that I need to do in order to make my circumstances better?
1 Response Sep 3, 2012

I totally understand how this experience has caused your ptsd!