RottenI'm happy, genuinely happy at the moment, could I be happier? I could, but I still feel really good, positive, in love with all the possibilities that my life holds at the moment, I feel like I can do anything.
Well yesterday it started when I smelled something, I dont know what it was but it took me somewhere, somewhere bad, I brushed it off, Im getting good at that now. But then i was eating dinner, alone, and I could feel something behind me, I ignored it, I know now that those feelings are just residual negative energy from all the times when there was someone behind me. Its almost like yesterday my plans didnt matter, yesterday belonged to someone else, something else... not me. Underneath it all I was anxious, aware of something looming, aware that I was going to fall at some point soon... and hard.
I decided to watch a movie, alone, I went through the movie list on my x box and picked one that had a good rating, the synopsis seemed pretty generic drama. It started off pretty bleak to be honest and then got gradually worse, and by gradually I mean pretty quickly. There was one scene that triggered something in me, suddenly I felt nauseous, I could taste blood and bile in my mouth, I could feel my bruised swollen face against ice cold tiles, I could feel my throat crushed under the weight of something hard, maybe a chairleg or something like that. I could feel my eyes rolling into the back of my head as the air became sparse and my lungs were ready to burst. I remember searing pain and warmth seeping through my clothes.
I didnt sleep well last night, tried to distract myself watching tv to go to sleep , it helped a little I guess, but today I have been feeling flat, trying not to get drunk, wasnt too hard but this has all made me realise one thing, I cant get away from who i am, so I just have to accept it, drinking wont change anything, it will still be there - and basically ******* Y O U brain.