It Doesn't Stop, It Doesn't Go Away

At one point I was convinced it did. I thought I had all the right weapons and all the strength I needed. I thought I had done all the work, cried the tears, felt the fears. My therapist told me this would not be a lifelong battle. Then how come I come back to the same point every time I feel I am ready to pick up my life? The symptoms spike, the sleep pattern gets disrupted, the depression comes back and I turn to being my old ogre self.

I'm sick of this cycle. Some days I don't even know why I feel the way I do. Some days I would rather sleep 'till the next day. Some days I am so angry I can barely act normal around people. But most of all, I hate dissociating. I feel most out of control when I dissociate. Not only do I lose touch with the outside world, I lose touch with myself. I wish I knew where I go to when I 'wander off'...

Some days I feel like I have killed off the little kid inside me and I'm just mourning his loss. Those are some of the darkest days. This is one of them. I feel hollow and bloody on the inside, like there was a little animal in there and I just ripped it apart with my bare hands. Now there's only the scratches and little pieces of him hanging around like pictures on the wall, trying to remind me that I was once there. Now I am here, in the outside world, just a walking suit clinging to... to what?

I'm sick of surviving. I want to live.

Mapping Mapping
26-30, F
1 Response Oct 18, 2012

Hey, it does get better. It will get better. I know that, not because I know PTSD, but because I know you. You are one of the strongest, kindest, most amazing people I have ever had the honour of knowing, and I believe in you. I believe that there is a little girl still inside you, hidden deep away. She was hurt, betrayed. Her scars will never fade. But she is still there, hidden from view, waiting for you to find her again, singing her little song as she waits for you to sing it too.
So smile, and believe in yourself too. :)

Might sound crazy, but my kid's a little boy, not a girl :)
Yes, the song... you are right. My 'something worth dying for'. Thank you, you always seem to know just the perfect thing to say :)