Where To Start?
I am not good at talking about things or even writing them but here it goes. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 13. I was abused by my parents and then thrown out of the house. Fall/Winter seems to be hard on me. I don't remember much of the abuse it comes to me in pieces. The smell of the fall air scares me. The sound of a quiet house scares me. Sudden noise or movement scares me. I don't go out and rarely talk to anyone I guess i am somewhat of a hermit. This probably makes no sense but i feel trapped in a hell i don't even remember. i remember the smells the sounds and the feelings but that's about it. Sometimes memories come back to me but then like 2 seconds later I forget them again. I have nightmares i don't remember and only know i have them because i cry in my sleep and and talk about strange things, i wake up soaked in sweat and terrified unable to go back to sleep. My doctor suggested i go to a PTSD support group that's the only help available but i can't bring myself to talk in front of a group of people, i can barely leave my home. I feel alone lost and depressed but at the same time i feel like everything is ok, i have never been good at feeling. i guess I feel things more as if they were happening to someone else, maybe that's what keeps me together? i don't know. I know the memories are right at the surface they come and go much more often now. the smell of the air and sound of the leaves blowing turns me back into a 4 year old child waiting in the dark afraid daddy is coming. I just can't deal with it, i'm scared and alone so i busy myself distract myself and do my best to be "normal" and keep moving like everything is ok.