I Think About Ending It

To start off....I realize my life is not so bad....however, it's not the life I hoped for...and it's not the life I hoped to be able to give my kids.  I am in an unhappy marriage...here's the story...

I lived at home after college to save money, even though I had a lot of money that was saved for me from gifts from grandparents.  I always wanted financial security.  I stuck with a job I really didn't like and lived with my parents who were not so enjoyable to live with.  All because I was afraid to venture out on my own and didn't think I would be able to support myself.  My mother constantly told me I needed to get married (I was in my early 20's and I felt like an old maid!).  I listened to everything everyone else said to me, but never listened to my own instincts.  When I was 26, I met a man, he was the right religion, he had a good job, he was fun and sweet, and we quickly fell in love.  After a year, we got engaged and were married about 6 months later.  Things were pretty good between us for a long time....we had our fights like any couple did, but we still loved each other.  We had a couple of kids and he was making enough money that I was able to stay home and raise them.  Our life was pretty good.  We bought a bigger house and shortly after that, he started having trouble at work...he was in and out of jobs and never making the kind of money he once was.  I didn't go back to work because I believed that it would just be a matter of time until he was making good money again.  Well, it never happened.  We are quickly depleting our savings and after many years of not working, I am trying to find a job.  Anyway, we live in a wealthy area and my kids are not spoiled but understandably, they want some of the things their friends have, which of course we cannot offer them.  I feel like I've short changed them by not being more proactive years ago and working then.  I have a good life insurance policy, sometimes, I feel like I am such a useless person, I should just kill myself so they can have that money and go to decent colleges and live happier lives.  I am not happy with my husband and I am stuck with him because we cannot afford to divorce.  I know all this sounds ridiculous, but this is the way that I think...
Snowwhite36 Snowwhite36
46-50, F
1 Response Jul 19, 2010

Sorry that your going thru so much. Similar here...kids...cant 'D'.<br />
My heart goes out to you.