I Feel Dead Inside

i have never tried a web site or hotline or really anything so here we go im 20yrs old and since a very young age i have always feared death but in my early teens life got hard suicide became something that crossed my mind frequently due to many things girls, school, friendships,ext normal teen stuff right but still i stood strong and weathered the storm high school hit me hard real life was coming soon and i found more of a fear of life then death so i started to "cope" just a bit of weed to numb the mind right it helped alittle bit but now i need a way to stay high so i stared to sell weed to smoke for free dealing became my life i said "**** class my peers are now customers" well i made alot of money and i needed more than just to be high i wanted to be ****** up getting drunk would cause me to blackout and lash out and hurt myself and that got me my first emergency order of detention nine long days in a hospital phyc ward just made me realize how ****** up the world really is so i stopped drinking and moved up with the big boys coke, ex and any type of pills i could get my little junkie hands on all in the name of being numb then i did ice and felt so stupid about it so i cut myself for being an idiot it hurt for awhile but not as bad as the guilt that pain is still with me today my name on here is (IFDI) I FEEL DEAD INSIDE because i do i have been sober for a long time now and without drugs i feel closer to death everyday i want to just do it but the effects it could have on my family and friends stop me every time but maybe one day i will i still cling to the hope that i wont wake up tomorrow if there is a god here me out i dont want to go to heaven or hell please just erase me :'(
ifdi ifdi
18-21, M
Jan 10, 2013