Battle Most of the Time

Almost everyday I battle suicidal thoughts. Do a lot of stuff to my self not caring if I live or die. What ever happens I don't care. I tried a lot of different stuff to change my mind set. Always back fires because of me or because of  somebody else. So I' m back to where I was before. I just don't care if I live or die.
26-30, M
5 Responses Jul 5, 2007

L et me tell you...I am glad I didn't succeed...even if my life isn't a bowl of cherries, I have learned to love life for its simple pleasures. I thank God that I came through this experience intact. It happened in my twenties when I was in college . I was under a lot of pressure with exams etc. and I was very lonely in my love life. When I got a bad grade, I flipped out for some reason. I also remember that a guy I had a crush on had said some mean thing to me without him knowing I had a crush on him... this set me off on a downward spiral that led to me taking some sleeping pills...I just didn't think I would really almost die from taking them for some reason...I don't think death was a real concept to me when I was young...I took the pills with some whiskey and when I started to feel like I was losing control I screamed downstairs to my parents and told them...basically I didn't really want to die...I don't know why I did was so stupid to push myself to the edge...they got me to the emergency room in time to have my stomach pumped and I spent the entire night hooked to IV and shaking like a leaf with very little sleep...I had to see a shrink after that and they threatened to Baker Act me but I told them that I took too many by mistake because I was studying for an exam and couldn't sleep...which was partially true...I experienced major anxiety and depression in my life but refuse to take meds...I will never attempt it was a very dark and scary night...the weird thing is I felt so happy the next day because I was alive...if you even think about suicide I hope this will change your will feel better about it tomorrow or eventually...if I did committ suicide then I wouldn't have had the chance to do so many of the great things I've can be hard, yes...but there is tomorrow and there is hope and if you don't see that now you that is why I am sharing this horrific experience with you...

I can see many of you really are trying hard to"live"<br />
Thanks to a study on human brain is possible to recognize the reason why people feel desperate or that they don`t fit the rest of te comunity.<br />
I used to feel like that too and something have to be done i mmediatly in order to be saved.<br />
I run a company in Peterborough cambs.called mindfirst.I created a program based on the science that study the human mind .I can help you in achieving total freedom from whatever is pushing you almost few sesssions.<br />
I do what those feeling are....they`re horrible!! I used to call them Black dog, it`s inside nobody see it but it`s eating you slowly...and it can cause a hell of emotional pain....Check and free yourself from the black dog!!!

yes I have been there too with thoughts like that .. sometimes I wonder what my purpose on earth is ...then I start to think about the people I'd be leaving behind who love me..(and this includes also my dog too. who'd be there to take care of her if I am not there to look after her?)

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so badly. After some really awful things that happened to me a long time ago, I struggled with the same kinds of feelings and even did minor injuries to myself to help myself feel different on the inside (cause the pain was on the outside???). I still struggle sometimes with depression but the mood passes much quickly because I deal with it differently. I have learned to stop the internal dialogue in my head that contributes to the depression and replace it with thoughts such as : "this feeling will soon pass." I also stopped blaming others - people can't make me feel bad unless I let them do it and I have the right not to let them. I will say that there is a chemical component to depression also, if you haven't done it already you may want to see a doctor about medication - but get counseling too and if your in it and been there for a while and its not helping then find a new counselor. Depression is anger turned inwards - if you can address the anger you''ve been stuffing down you will feel better.

I use to think like that too when I was younger even made an attempt once before. I started praying more often asking the Lord for guidance and found something worth living for. I use to think nobody cared about me or what happened to me I use to run away got involved in gangs. all you need to do is find guidance I pray that you and everyone else that has this problem finds guidance right now your a lost soul but I'm sure there is something you can find worth living for.