My Childhood

I grew up between parents and grand parents my childhood was not ideal but whos is my father was sort of and alcoholic and he eventually drank himself into the grave. Use to kick my mother around that made her distant she was doing the best she could I suppose. Growing up between Parents and grandparents I suppose I was lucky to have had a home. The reason it was both, I can only speculate as kid I thought my parents did not want me and now I think it might have been because my father drank so much, the times I spent at home I remember always lying in my bed with my pillow over my head trying not to  hear them fighting sometimes she also drank and then the fighting was worse he would choke her and she would scream for me to help then he would threaten to F*&%$ me up if I did help her. I often wished that he would die. I was never allowed in the house during the day and if I got dirty my mother use scream at me and then lock me in my room for the rest of the day. When I stayed with the grandparents it was the opposite my gran was sick and during the day we were locked up in the house curtains drawn so no light came in and so she could sleep I was not allowed to make any noise, at night grand pa came home he took me to his store room where he made his homebrew I remember it tasting kind of like peaches but burning al the way down my trout into my stomach and how my legs turned to jelly every now and then. By 7pm we ate dinner and he listened to the news we were not allowed to talk after that it was bedtime. My grand mother slept on her own double bed and I slept on a bed pushed up next to gpa, at night when she was asleep he had his fun he said it was our secret and he said that he loved me.I was a real **** I knew it was wrong I could have stop him it started when I was 5 as far as I can remember I was lucky he died when I was about 10.Anyway I never made friends at school was a bit of a rebel/outcast/loner and a tomboy the family wanted a boy to carry the name and when I was born they were very disappointed so I guess tried to be tough like a boy and then when my brother was born I had to be the girl again but rebelled and became the disappointing tomboy .Anyway about age 12 met n boy he was 15/16 he said he loved me but only there was a price sex, I made a lot of excuses did not work, I suppose I could have tried harder. One night he decided to share me with his 20/21 year old cousin. By now I was a full-blown **** I just prayed that no one would find out and that I would not get pregnant. I got lucky they moved. My first relationship and intimate contact after that was at age 30 I ended up in a gay relationship with a women 15 years older than me because I did not have the guts to say no.
I tried to be a good little girl did my homework played lots of sport but It was never good enough. I remember one time I did a cv to find some sponsorship for my sport I was proud of what I had achieved and I gave it to my father to read and he tore it up said I am was lying little b*&^% no one is that good. So I just drifted trough life going trough the motions. I never really had any idea of what I should be or become, most kids wanted to be doctors lawyers and so on I hand no idea and I knew if I did not find something I would end up just like my parents even worse a bum and look at me now.

One sport cycling was always good to me I felt free when I road and I was good at it came naturally, I really enjoyed it. It helped me escape my life for a bit it also brought in money to pay my fathers debt take care of my mother and brother after he died.

 So that’s basically my childhood what I can remember boring stuff and ancient history

Blind Blind
36-40, F
Aug 16, 2007