When She Drinks

 

I am tired. So nothing might make sense

When the sun sets the minutes turn into hours the hours into days I cant sleep I drift in and out…… I cant get up she wont understand cant go do something it drives me insane my body hurts no matter how I lie the thoughts just never stop they keep bombarding me until I lie at the bottom of the pit. They say the key is positive tough I know……………….

 My life is like I am watching from the sidelines it feels so unreal the less I sleep the more like a dream it feels.

 

Sometimes when she starts to drink it firsts calms her down and puts her in a happy mood but sometimes she goes strait to *****. First there are the comments if I ignore them they escalate if I react to them in the right way peace prevails but if I don’t  the bottle empties very quick

.At first she just starts to repeat things then the speech goes slurry then she starts to stumble and then if I am lucky she passes out. Sometimes she calls me closer come sit by me my love if  I say I don’t want  to she asks if I don’t love her inside I want to say no  I don’t I care but I don’t love you ,but the words come wrong sure I love you so come sit by …. Whenever she touches me it is never just for touch its always just 2 places, inside I want to explode I feel dirty I hate it when she touches me but I know love has a price so does shelter. Don’t know why I complain I made the choices I can walk away take my chances on the streets but what is point.

 

When she sleeps its only for a while I hate to breath her breath it stinks of alcohol even her skin smells like alcohol. She is not and alcoholic yet but very close .I know because my father was one.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just drink to I have been drunk 2 maybe 3 times when I tried to od .I hate despise the stuff and my body seems to feel the same way I don’t know what it is but alcohol makes me very very sick even just a sip………  

 

I am so tired I don’t know where to go………..does it really matter

Blind Blind
36-40, F
Aug 17, 2007