Turmoil

 

The chaos in my mind is treating to take my life .I am the only one who can do something about it this. I know……

 I realized it when I was still very young and my inability to have coped or changes my life by know is driving me insane, it also makes me afraid that no one will be able to help me if I cant help myself. It makes my stomach turn I want to vomit at the thought of picking up a phone and asking for some help! If it goes like all my other conversation with the world I will feel even more rejected and lost and then there  would be no hope. My father my mother they have all failed why would I be different

 If I do get better what then where is the point the reason for my life I don’t have family friends kids just 2 dogs well sort of they not really mine they will die soon and then I am left alone. My whole life I have tried to contribute in some way I need to have something to live for that is bigger than me my life ,I cant seem to find it.

 I reach out and try and talk and good ppl try and help but it is as if I need to get better immediately I am not allowed to feel hurt sad I have never been allowed to express how I feel that is why I keep in all inside .everybody wants me to talk to open up  but I keep getting mixed messages if I start they tell me ist no good I need to be different or they say its ok and once I show the darkness inside me the fences come up they still there but I sense the guard I don’t blame them they need to protect them selves from getting hurt.

 Confusion rages in my mind my heart my soul

I want to need to get better

I don’t want to hurt myself or other no more

If I can just get out this hole pick up the phone and find some help…………  

Blind Blind
36-40, F
Aug 20, 2007