Day By Day, I Just Keep Fighting

I have faught with depression and thoughts that I really don't like. when I was about 13 I accually put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. of course it didn't go off or I wouldn't be writing this for you to read. At that time I thought my life couldn't get any worse. My parents were devorced and they were making me choose between them. I couldn't make that decesion, so I bounce bake and forth for a couple of years. Then it was made for me. I lost my mom. I don't know why I didn't try again after she died, I guess it was my dad. I knew he needed me. I think I have had at least one thought of killing myself every day sence she died. It is a hard thing to deal with. I remember the sound of that click when I pulled the trigger. and that God kept the bullet from working. I think that is what has kept me going. the thought that he has me here for a reason. all my life I've had nothing but hardships. Hell I don't even remember most of it. the **** I do remember  almost stresses the point of no return. from the time I was 15 when she died until just not to long ago I stayed high. smoking pot gave me the "I don't give a ****" attitude. it helped me not think about things. now I'm 25 going  on 26 and trying to make a life. **** just goes so slow. it almost unbearable. I just want to be happy. if I could even know it if I see it. I am proud to say that I took a big step tward happiness. I got into college. in my sixth quarter going for an assoceites. or how ever you spell it. thats the only thing that I have to be happy about. here's a list of **** on my mind.   still haven't really delt with moms death-dad had a break down, doesn't work so no money comming in, he can't get disabilaty-I have a bad back, so pain all the time, two boldging disks t7-t9, i cant get disabilaty either, not bad enough for it but enough to keep me from working, I do get money to go to school from vocational rehabilitation but have to use most of that to keep the house- don't have a girlfriend, and I am a really nice guy if I say so my self, even with all my problems-25 and haven't been with a woman in three years, it's sad, I have a lot of love to give, but what woman wants a man like me-I suffer from depression, anxiety, and a slight case of gender indentity disorder- pretty screwed up aint I?      I don't know what to do. just want it to be over. but taking my life is not really an option, the lord says it's the worst sin ever. they say that he wont give anyone more than they can handle. hell, he is really testing me.  bhndckihdfoiuqfuwl3r.qaiwnh3irbhv;q3nc9yc4;8ty cns.iwe;rfovheirnpg    aaaaaahhhhhhh. what the frak. I hate life. but I just don't die. only inside a little at a time. look for peace just get greaf. twisted and termoil. I hope someone has some advice for me. oh another note. I do go to councling but to scared to talk about evering thing. don't want to be in a padded room. not in any real danger at the time so don't worry about me. this life is hard but someone has to have it so why not me?

missingsomething25 missingsomething25
Feb 11, 2010