My Daily Burden
My whole life has been a constant struggle to keep my weight down. I was a chubby kid and went into high school getting even heavier because everything was negative for me there. But one summer i turned it all around and lost about 40 pounds going into my junior year by taking 30 mg of adderall twice a day, which really made me crazy so i stopped. I suddenly went from having very little friends to going to parties and feeling as if i belonged but for all of the wrong reasons. It hurts to think that people are that shallow, that if your not up to par with the standards of the environment you are in, then you are not in. Well.. after that year i got off the drug and gained half of it back and going into senior year was hell i did not want to go so i didn't. I dropped out. Now being much older I have controlled it. I have been up and down though for about ten years. Everyday it feels like a second job just to maintain it and lose more. Every time i wake up in the morning that's my first thought, Do I feel skinnier today? A day without the scale feels like a day without air. I feel like sometimes it's all that consumes my thoughts. Like If i am not at a weight that i know is right then everything in my life takes a back seat. I isolate when i know i have let it go too far. I will not put myself out in the world because I don't feel like anyone would like me or want to be my friend. I mean i know deep down i'm really not considered "fat" but i could lose 20 pounds. I know this sounds terrible but I honestly don't feel motivated to do anything in life like go to class or go out unless i look really good. It's like I have to be perfect, otherwise it's not fun because i won't feel good about myself and get attention. When i gain weight I feel stuck in a hole and the more weight I gain the deeper the hole gets.