Its Been A Long Time

In the spring of my sixth grade year i was sitting on the computer... i looked out side. I saw my mom in the garden and my little sister playing. I looked down at myself and wondered why I was being one of those fat people who sat on the computer on a beautiful day. I did a ton of exercise that day, and I ate very healthy. I kept thinking about how everyone in the world wanted to lose weight. I felt so guilty and fat for have feeling confident in my body. I looked at how many calories i was eating a day. It went over 2000 some days, and that worried me. i decided to eat 1500 calories a day. It felt good. My friend at the time was a bit overweight; she called me skinny all the time. most of the times she said it i didnt feel very good about myself.
That summer i decided that losing weight was something all women wanted to do, and it was something all women should matter what their weight is. So i was controlling my calories everyday. By the end of summer, i had lost at least five pounds.. and i felt pretty confident. I was eating 1000-1200 calories a day.
Then as school started it went to 800 then....600. i had lost a lot of weight in less than a month. I was 5' 2" and 85 pounds. I had lost 25 pounds since the summer. I was completely obsessed with food. I was so tired everyday. I woke up every morning, and i would litterally count the hours till i could go to bed. I was so lonely...and so depressed. There were not enough calories in me to keep my brain functioning correctly. i was too tired to open my mouth to talk. I had to go upstairs for my last class in seventh grade. I remember sitting down once i got there and being surprised i didnt faint. my mom FINALLY said something to me. A week after that she called the doctor. I was so embarrassed. I knew i wasnt healthy, but cutting calories and losing weight was an addiction by then. There were times i felt worried because i knew i was too thin.
I met with my doctor my heart rate was in the fifties.. if it was below fifty i would have been hospitalized. i was glad i wasnt because i didnt want a soul to know about my problems. No one except my mom had said any thing to me about my huge weight loss. It was a relief but i felt as if no one loved or cared about me to realize i was 20 pounds underweight.
my best friend had her own weight issues ...and she was insecure about her bit of weifht gain... she wouldve hated me if she knew. The councilor i saw was absolutely no help to me.. it was partially that i didnt want to speak to her. I was so embarrassed that i had to see a therapist... i thought that only insane people saw them. I can see now that my problems from then were never completely resolved. I did gain back the weight, and my weight was healthy by the end of seventh grade. I still counted calories.. and restricted to some extent.

In eight grade i never weighed myself...and the number of calories i ate a day ranged from 1200-1600. some days i accidentlly ate more. I felt pretty confident for the most part..but i knew that counting calories would always be a part of my life forever. My periods were not very regular for the most part. i would sometimes skip 2-4 months. Never more than four months.
I moved out of state in 9th grade.. i was partially happy because i saw my same best friend becomming more obssessed with food like i had before. THat winter i remebered how no one cared about my eating disorder before... and how no one noticed. i hated everything about me. I felt worthless and a waste of space. I didnt deserve to live. I mostly hated my body...but i hated everything else too. When i saw my weight was a little more than i thought i got really scared. I ate 700 calories a day and got down to 105 (my weight goal). i was tired again. but this only lasted a bit less than a month. Then out of nowhere i started binging. I was so scared. I felt so fat , and i didnt know what to do with myself. some days i ate 3200 calories! there were so many times i just wanted nothing more than to die. i eventually gained the pounds i had lost. i saw a councilor again, because i told my mom how bad i felt. I really like her..everything she does is way more effective than my last one.. i see a nutritionist too... which is sooo helpful. I know i will get better someday.

if you have body image problems (no matter what kind of weight you have) you should know
1. you MUST tell someone...this makes you feel better 100% of the time... and it will give you help
2. if you are recovering from an eating disorder eat the exact number of calories..or the entire meal plan you are given
3. there are so many thin girls out there..... some are healthy and some are you ....and you will only look your best a YOUR healthy weight.. no one else's
4.never try dieting unless your doctor recommends it
5. dont be afraid to see a doctor even if you dont have an eating disorder or weight problems. If you areĀ  personally uncomfortable at the weight youre at or with how youre can talk to a doctor about your ideal weight and eating plan
cowtfbw97 cowtfbw97
May 19, 2012