Im On My Own

I am 36 years old and i have been taking drugs of one form or another since i as 7 years old and through progression i moved on to taking class a drugs for nearly 18 years after 5 failed attempts at rehab i decided to move away from london and essex and move up north with my parents who have given me 1 last chance to sort myself out, and they have been brilliant especially considering the grief i have put them through over the years, they moved away from essex 7 years ago to get away from the shame and embarrassment i caused if the truth as known.
so last september i packed everything i owned into a small rucksack and got on a coach and moved back in with my parents up north in yorkshire i contacted the local drug and alcohol centre and got the help i needed to get clean from heroin and i done it, like i have done in the past when i have been in prison or court ordered rehab but all them times i never wanted to stop using in prison i had no option i wasn't going to ask my then partner to risk herself bringing the drugs into the jail for me and i couldn't afford to maintain a habbit inside like i have seen many people do. this time its different i wanted to stop i had had enough of the life style i was having panic and anxiety attacks at the thought of having to go out shoplifting everyday which is how i kept my habbit and i was so well know to all the shops, police, security and c.c.t.v operators it was so hard for me to keep doing it, i was making myself ill not only with the drugs but all the stress that i was causing myself , plus several of my drugie friends had died and i thought it was only a matter of time before i was my turn either that or i would end up with a big sentence because i was a pain to the judicial system.
Any way so now i have moved away from everything and everyone i know and i have got clean and my overall health has vastly improved, the problem is where i live is a small village now its ok for my parents because they like their privacy but me, i dont know anyone here and it is very difficult to make friends here if you are not born and breed here you are classed as an outsider and plus being from "down south" as they put it makes it even harder, i have tried going to n.a groups but to be honest most of the people who go are still using drugs or they have swapped their addiction from drugs to "the big book" now if it works for them good luck to them and i mean that sincerely but i dont want to go and be around people who the only thing we have in common is that we all have addictive personalities and we took drugs, i dont want to sit there listening to every ones story of woe i have lived my own i know what the life is, **** and i dont want to keep being reminded of it at every meeting.
The trouble is i am so lonely im getting so depressed i have had silly thought of moving back to essex or london now in my heart of hearts i know that i would eventually give in and start using drugs again, i stayed away from a very good friends funeral because of the same reason every one i knew who took drugs would have been there i felt guilty but i know that my friend would have understood i sent my respects by way of a reef.
But this feeling of loneliness is getting me down some nights i go to bed and hope that i dont wake up i have tried to speak to my parents about this but they dont understand and think that i am making excuses to take drugs but if that was the case i could find them where i am now if i really wanted them i jujst want a friend but more to the point i want female companionship as well and not just for a physical relationship but i have been in long term relationships for the last 12 years so i miss having some one to cuddle up to at night i am so stuck in this rut i dont know which wat to turn for help.
cockneyjay75 cockneyjay75
1 Response Feb 23, 2012

First of all i would like to congratulate you on kicking the nasty habit ,But it sound like you are still having thoughts of using ,I recommend you go-to the local church Jesus will save you .

....if you were a recovering addict u would know that the only person who can save you is yourself!!

Well done cokneyjay for beatin it ..i too moved 200 miles away was the only way to beat it and ive gone through such loneliness much harder to make friends as a adult and always gotta keep ur secrets otherwise u get judged so very hard at times ..but i promise you it gets easier ive been clean from heroin for 10yrs in april have now got a small but amazing group of friends admittedly they only knew about my past in the last 18months but by then they knew the real me !!
Keep strong .. uve won the battle keep fighting the war xx