Will I Ever Stop Punishing Myself?I'm a terrible person to be a perfectionist when I' so far from it! I try to go easier on myself now that I'm older, and know a little better. But I don't
cut myself much slack even now. Think it's most likely the ADHD. I did not know about this until I was grown. Growing up I had the symtoms but they were light and I was more the daydreamer than hyper. I see it it all now, but back then it was considered a young person who had it and I always tried to be a good kid, and I made good grades so who would have thought about it.
As a kid I could be hard on myself and would always make the extra effort to keep up. I was super sensitive and that was something Everybody picked up on. I heard more than a few times, "she's having one of her moods". HA!
By teens my parents divorced, and I was a mad rebellious smarta..!! I gave my poor mother an awful time but grew up and after after stupidly running off and getting married (You're a disgrace to the human race!) and getting pregnant immediately. She was a beautiful little girl but but God took her before I even left the hospital. Of course I was devastated, and now it's been a long time, and in hindsight God always has a plan.
Of course that marriage did not take and I was so proud I had the gumption to leave that bad relationsahip because by then I was dealing with depression. Later I married someone my folks were crazy about him, and we are still together with a grown son.
All this looks like pretty normal if that's all there was to it , big deal, I had married well, worked, raised a son, had a good husband. But there was all the messy stuff that that comes along,even if you do something right.Mistakes will happen, sometimes all me but sometimes not but I've always blamed myself, no matter whose fault it was. If I made mistakes or did wrong I punished myself much more than anyone else could. If it was the other person in the wrong, I'd find a way of making it my fault with what ifs and if onlys.
I kept most under wraps and I was your normal if moody person. I held way high expectations of myself and in early adulthood I was working my butt off to not let anyone know I was different from and even though I suffered inside, I managed to pull life off well, but always thought I was missing something
I was in a car accident that left me in pain and that's when life was already getting in high gear. So much, it was so messy, and eventually I ended up where I am now.
That will have to come in another story since I have to get off the pc now. Probably for the best because I was already getting nervous, with my
mind racing with too many thoughts and not really sure how to say it and since it takes me so long, I sure everyone's heard enough for now!
BCBoomer58 56-60, F 8 Responses 2 Jun 19, 2010