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Will I Ever Stop Punishing Myself?

I'm a terrible person to be a perfectionist when I' so far from it!  I try to go easier on myself now that I'm older, and know a little better. But I don't
cut myself much slack even now. Think it's most likely the ADHD. I did not know about this until I was grown. Growing up I had the symtoms but they were light and I was more the daydreamer than hyper. I see it it all now, but back then it was considered a young person who had it and I always tried to be a good kid, and I made good grades so who would have thought about it.

As a kid I could be hard on myself and would always make the extra effort to keep up. I was super sensitive and that was something Everybody picked up on.  I heard more than a few times, "she's having one of her moods".  HA!

By teens my parents divorced, and I was a mad rebellious smarta..!! I gave my poor mother an awful time but grew up and after after stupidly running off and getting married (You're a disgrace to the human race!) and getting pregnant immediately. She was a beautiful little girl but but God took her before I even left the hospital. Of course I was devastated, and now it's been a long time, and in hindsight God always has a plan.

Of course that marriage did not take and I was so proud  I had the gumption  to leave that bad relationsahip because by then I was dealing with depression. Later I married someone my folks were crazy about him, and we are still together with a grown son.

All this looks like pretty normal if that's all there was to it , big deal, I had married well, worked, raised a son, had a good husband. But there was all the messy stuff that that comes along,even if you do something right.Mistakes will happen, sometimes all me but sometimes not but I've always blamed myself, no matter whose fault it was. If I made mistakes or did wrong I punished myself much more than anyone else could. If it was the other person in the wrong, I'd find a way of making it my fault with what ifs and if onlys.

I kept most under wraps and I was your normal if moody person. I held way high expectations of myself and in early adulthood I was working my butt off to not let anyone know I was different from and even though I suffered inside, I managed to pull life off well, but always thought I was missing something

I was in a car accident that left me in pain and that's when life was already getting in high gear. So much, it was so messy, and eventually I ended up where I am now.

That will have to come in another story since I have to get off the pc now. Probably for the best because I was already getting nervous, with my
mind racing with too many thoughts and not really sure how to say it and since it takes me so long, I sure everyone's heard enough for now!

BCBoomer58 BCBoomer58 56-60, F 8 Responses Jun 19, 2010

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Hey I had to come back and revisit this one big sis. Stop all the worry about perfection because in God's eye's we are !!!! Because God dont make no junk and he made you and I . So smile, God love's you and so do I. Lil Brother

You are so right dear friend. I learn this more every day. God Bless You<br />
<br />
Alli I've know you for a short while but you are every bit as sweet as your words to me. You are wise<br />
beyond your years! God bless You

You know just what I am talking about here Miss JJ. The good thing about being a child of God is that he know's we are not perfect but you know what ? He forgive's us and love's us that much more,

I 'm just now reading your comment allissaxx, thank you for sharing yourself! I hope you are doing well and are getting those meds straight,. I've been down that path also! : )

It takes courage to share such a personal story. First off- thanks for sharing :)<br />
No need to be hard on yourself everyone makes mistakes. You sound like a very successful individual with a great personality. Everything in life is going to turn out the way you want it. We need to learn how to accept - something I'm working on everyday. (and it's hard). My sister is a perfectionist who battles very bad mood swings ( she also battles very bad ocd) Everything has to go her way as planned and she feels as if she needs to be the best , and hates when someone outsmarts her, or does better job. She takes it out on herself when she makes a mistake- and we always end up hearing it. So I sort of know what your going through secondhand. She won't let it go if her grades slips from an A to a B+. But try to slow down and look at the beautiful things in life. I don't know firsthand how it feels to be one- so what do I really know. I'm just giving you advice from my point of view. Hope this helps. I'm always here for you xx

Thanks for sharing your story and my heart goes out to you.I used to carry everything on my shoulder and blame myself too.Till my wake up call 5 yrs ago i finally realised i also contrbuted to my health challenges.I am working out to get better by committing to my daily ritual to a healthy and happy life.I write daily to keep me consistent and discipline.I hope you will find a way to love yourself and leave the past and live for the moment.HUGS

Avvvv, That was so nice of you! Thanks for sharing with me. :):):)<br />
I really did appreciate that. Your Friend<br />
BCBoomer58

Thank-you for having the courage to share this intimate story about yourself. I know what it is like to demand a lot from yourself. When I was married I was too forgiving of my wife's faults and took on more than my share of the burden. I believed that I was capable of handling anything. Eventually something happened that proved I wasn't staying on top of everything. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and caused me to have a nervous breakdown. I had to take time off of work and learn to take better care of myself. Although my wife hated the idea, I went back on anti-depressants to help control my mood swings. I'd been off them for several years at that point. <br />
<br />
Things didn't get that much better for me, though. Within one year my marriage had ended and I was on my own, with nothing but the belongings I'd been able to cram into my car. It took me a long time to recover from that, and to acknowledge and learn to deal with my own depression.<br />
<br />
I still expect a lot from myself. Twenty years ago I was very hard on myself over every little thing I could rationalize was wrong with me. It gave me some sort of pseudo-energy, I believed, which I thrived off of. It actually caused me to get stomach ulcers at that young age. That was my first wake-up call, and I adjusted my thinking. I've continued to demand a lot from myself over the years, though, sometimes to the detriment of my health. Usually I come through unscathed, but as i get older I have to wonder how long I can keep that up?<br />
<br />
Anyway, I encourage you in your efforts to remain healthy and happy. Don't feel like you're alone in the way you think about yourself, though. There are a lot of people like us out there, whether we define ourselves as 'perfectionists' or not. It's partly our culture demanding so much from us today, at an increasingly frenetic pace. Sometimes it feels so right to be that way that we never turn it off, and forget to smell the roses.