My Self Doubting Shadow

My self doubting shadow is always getting in the way of things...I am constantly beating my self up over little things..
 It seems like no matter how hard I try, I never get any where that I want or need to be. I am going to be 28 years old and I have a 15 month old little girl.  I didnt do the greatest in highschool, but it was partially because I didnt give a ****. The second part was I was going through a lot of different things back then.

I never had the drive to go to college because for one I was afraid of being a failure. Secondly why pay money for something I didnt even know what I want to go to school for?? Now that I have a child I am trying to better myself if not for my sake for hers. However I just went and took the compass test to try and get into college. The first time I took it I did pretty well. I was 5 off on one of the tests and 9 off on the other. So I didnt beat myself up too bad, but I was still amazed at how stupid I felt. Then I went back and took it yesterday and I did worse than what I did in the first place. WTH?? I am at a loss for words. I told the advisor that I am not good at test, it is like I have these panic attacks. My mind goes blank when I am doing them. He advised me to go to a community college. Which if he would have remembered from our first conversation that the reason I dont go to community colleges is because I prefer smaller class rooms. Walking through a community colleges hallways or universities hallways I get panic attacks.

That is just one example....

I also beat myself up over the way I look. My whole life I have had people tell me I am ugly or fat. When I was younger I was skinny and then depression set in and yes I did put on some weight. It's like when I try and loose weight I gain weight. I cant seem to win at anything. I have also had people tell me that it is what is on the inside of me that should matter not my outside appearance. Well then why do I feel like I am not good enough??  I am constantly nit picking at every little thing.

Well i guess I am done ranting for now. Take care

stainedglass stainedglass
26-30, F
4 Responses Jul 9, 2010

hello, we cant please every one, but jesus is your friend and he has come to help us, to heal the broken, to set us free, and to make things well for us all. talk to him.

Sunflower and hazeleyes... thank you so much for your advice. I will look into either going next year or just taking some online classes. Not sure which one will work out the best for me as of yet, but I will do the research on it. <br />
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Justdeb... Your words mean the most. I appreciate the slap in the face kind of advice. But first off let me say that I have heard my family say this to my face. My whole life growing up I was always compared to my cousins, sister, biological mother. They have came right out and said that I am ugly, fat, stupid.. I am the worst mother. I dont deserve to be alive. So yes it is hard for me to hold my head up high and not be so critical on myself. I always try to put my best foot forward when it comes to my daughter. I want her to be able to look at me and know that I did what I thought was best for her. <br />
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Well anyways thanks again for all of your words of wisdom. :) <br />
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Maybe u can take online classes; they are smaller in size and there will be no hallways :) Don't beat urself up. I used to to, and kinda still do. Whenever u feel sad or depressed, get a sheet of paper and right down the pros and cons about urself. One pro would be that u have a daughter which u love. When ur done, look at the pros, and praise urself for them. Then look at the cons, and try to change them up to become pros. It works. Best of luck :)

u hav yr daughter and that's wonderful. dont beat yrself up. if yr daughter made that mistake, would u say wat u say to yrself to her? life is meant 2 b lived to the fullest. if u don't kno what u want to do, u can always try again next yr wen u kno.