Anything And Probably Everything.

They say its a downwards spiral once you start blaming youself for things.
I'd agree in so far as I've always blamed myself. I don't know where it started.

This blame is most apparent when it comes to something important. Such as a piece of coursework, or a pressurized situation. As soon as I do something wrong, the whole thing starts to shake.
I blame myself for not being prepared for every eventuality. Even things that weren't expected or have little probabilty of happening.

Even when other people make mistakes I blame myself. I know its beyond my control but I feel like I should somehow have gotten involved and stopped it from happening.
I'm not a prefectionist and tbh I'm very lazy and a slob. It doesn't help that I blame myself for such trivial things as not getting up early enough. Or not going out to do something thats not even important.
I punish myself for these things.

Relationships is the worst part. I cannot deal with them and as such have withdrawn from them. I have notoriously poor judgement skills and always feel that anything going wrong is automatically my fault. This is built on my belief that relationships are a two way street. Its an equal partenership, ergo I therefore carry at least half the blame no matter what happens.
I take notice of every small detail, and am very conscious of what the other half thinks. Even small things like dropping something feature in my overall estimation.

I'm conscious of what everyone thinks. Even random people in the street. Why am I not holding myself better so people don't see me slouch? I want to put across an image, come across in a certain way. Don't want to embarras myself in front of anyone. When I trip up of fall over I automatically look around and feel embarrased.
Then I punish myself for not noticing the wet floor sign or not wiping my feet when I came in.

Anything and everything I will gladly take and beat myself over the head with it.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
18-21
Jul 21, 2010