I Seem To Just Focus On The Bad!

I went through a really bad break up last year, around Christmas. It was a long term relationship, and though I knew something was wrong, I didn't see a break up coming, it traumatized me deeply and turned my world inside out. All of a sudden, the person I thought was my rock had essentially abandoned me and it was a totally gut wrenching experience.

Several months after, we got back together again. I was making positive changes. I had a lot of verbal abuse in my life from my father, and it has damaged me in countless ways and given me some major life issues to wrestle with, depression, overly critical tendencies thanks to having been over criticized about everything, self esteem issues, body issues, negativity, et al. I try to always evaluate my behaviour and my thoughts in an effort to catch them and change them.

Anyhow, now that we are back together, I find myself so extremely critical of myself and over analyze every mistake (real or perceived) I might make when I spend time with my guy. I get so scared of making a mistake and pushing him away. He's so important to me and I just see myself constantly failing. Yesterday I said something that I didn't think through, it was meant to tease him but it hurt him instead and I fell to pieces. I felt horrid and though he told me to relax and that it was ok, I still felt like a terrible, stupid person.

So today my entire day I m sitting here feeling helpless pain and turmoil over my mistakes, wishing he could come over so that I can make up for it and show him that I really am trying to be a better person.

I know that people make mistakes, and I know that he loves me, but I'm so scared of screwing it up. And I'm scared that if I constantly ask for reassurance, I will definitely screw it up! i wish that I wasn't so insecure. People who verbally or physically abuse their children I don't think truly realise how much damage they cause, for life.
DonutsJunction DonutsJunction
26-30, F
Jan 6, 2013