i have been told throughout my life, even by some of my teachers, that i am too hard on myself. i remember hearing it from my 3rd grade teacher, and most recently from my chorus teacher a year or two ago. and from family and friends. i just want to be smart, pretty, and talented. and i always feel like i am not as good as everyone else at school. i have a problem with jealousy, but i don't really make it known, because that would be rude. it's not their fault if they are naturally smarter and better-looking than me. but when i do something, like sing in front of an audience, i go home afterwards and cry. and even after i say "hi" to someone in the school hallway, and i feel like i said it in a weird tone i'll think to myself "i cant believe i just said that." i wonder if bother people as much as i think i do. i wonder if i really am smart, or pretty. i've never failed anything in school, but if i get a grade under 80, i go into panic mode.i feel like i'm not good enough, and if i don't do as well as everyone else did, then i feel like ill never be successful. the only person that can control my future is myself, and if i cant handle life now with my family, how will i ever be able to succeed on my own?
Written on January 5th, 2010