When I Was 10

we were going thru some rough times.i was having a hard time coping with all that was going on.i know my mother was on the verge of a breakdown.i ,like i said was having trouble with things.my mom got mad because i was at the time being a little bit of a pain in the ... she got me and put me in the car,drove me to the juvinnile center,and said she would leave me there.she went in and i stayed out side. i have foregiven here.my dad had a complete breakdown after that.i still have a lot of problems from that.she was under alot of stress i know.but i couldn`t get over her doing it to me.my broyhers were a lot worse than me.she even had to bail them out.i never told her how much that effected me.

ghostofmyself ghostofmyself
36-40
5 Responses Mar 17, 2009

since I was about five or as far a I can remeember, my mother used to tell me she regretted not to have accomplished her "duty" of killing me while I was still a baby.... that life was punishing her for not having done that, as she "should". She used to tell me "you don't deserve the air you breath", and I can remember me praying and asking God to forgive me for sinning against the sevent commandment "don't steal", because I though I was strealing an air I didn't own every time I breathed. She used to repeat constantly that I and my sisters were driving her to a "cemetery, mental hospital or prision". It not only tried to make us feel guilty, but there was also a menace hidding, because she only complained she was to end in prision and it was all our fault....but, in prision for what? because we "forced her to kill us..."....<br />
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I spent all my childhood trying hard to make her feel fond of me. I had almost no friends, I only got from home to school and from school to home, did my homework..and ask for nothing... I was so obedient and bland and she made me wear so ridiculus clothes that I kept suffering from bulling at school till I was almost 16. I got superb qualifications, but once, when showing her them, I complained almos whinning: "I would gladly change all these A qualifcations by having any schoolfriend". he answered at once "How could you posssibly have any friend, being such a bad child as you are!" I wasn't allowed to cry at home, she used to tell me she would snap or beat me if she heared me crying... so every time I had to go to the toilet,or when having a shower, I took the opportunity to cry at last... One day, I don't know how, I was crying in the toilet and she shouted from the outside she would get in and harm me pshysically if I didn't stop crying at once... I just wasn't able to stop and felt terrified, so, suddenly, I don't remember how, I found out that, if I pressed a certain point of my neck, I could keep crying but silently, and kept doing so for months....I wasn't allowed to sing at home. I was never relaxed or contented enough to do so, but, one day, also while a visit to the toiled was making me feel safely "isolated", I began to sing a children's song I had just learned at school....then she cried at me I had no right to sing and it was a sin to feel happy enough to be able to sing while my own mother was so sad and miserable.....I might be about 7 years old then.<br />
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She also told me and keeps telling me now, when I am 44, that I don't have a right to be alive, that I was born "brain or mentally invalid", so I was/am not acceptable as an Earth dweller and that I was born "unworthy to be loved or cared for by anyone"....

Goodness..I was also blamed for my mothers cancer and subsequent death.....<br />
I just make sure I am the mother to my children that I wish I had.

My brother could do no wrong either! I am hearing what sounds like wolves howling. Is that weird?

I am so sorry that she did that. Parents can really be crazy. I hope that you can be strong and make it through!<br />
All the best in life.....

It's sad to see how parents can do such hideous things to their children. My mother blamed me for her having cancer, that it was my fault that she had it. It took years for me to forgive her but I finally came to terms and realized that it was false guilt.<br />
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elaine