She Aid I Shouldn't Be Born... and Keeps Saying I Don't Deserve Staying Alive

since I was about five or as far a I can remeember, my mother used to tell me she regretted not to have accomplished her "duty" of killing me while I was still a baby.... that life was punishing her for not having done that, as she "should". She used to tell me "you don't deserve the air you breath", and I can remember me praying and asking God to forgive me for sinning against the sevent commandment "don't steal", because I though I was strealing an air I didn't own every time I breathed. She used to repeat constantly that I and my sisters were driving her to a "cemetery, mental hospital or prision". It not only tried to make us feel guilty, but there was also a menace hidding, because she only complained she was to end in prision and it was all our fault....but, in prision for what? because we "forced her to kill us..."....

I spent all my childhood trying hard to make her feel fond of me. I had almost no friends, I only got from home to school and from school to home, did my homework..and ask for nothing... I was so obedient and bland and she made me wear so ridiculus clothes that I kept suffering from bulling at school till I was almost 16. I got superb qualifications, but once, when showing her them, I complained almos whinning: "I would gladly change all these A qualifcations by having any schoolfriend". he answered at once "How could you posssibly have any friend, being such a bad child as you are!" I wasn't allowed to cry at home, she used to tell me she would snap or beat me if she heared me crying... so every time I had to go to the toilet,or when having a shower, I took the opportunity to cry at last... One day, I don't know how, I was crying in the toilet and she shouted from the outside she would get in and harm me pshysically if I didn't stop crying at once... I just wasn't able to stop and felt terrified, so, suddenly, I don't remember how, I found out that, if I pressed a certain point of my neck, I could keep crying but silently, and kept doing so for months....I wasn't allowed to sing at home. I was never relaxed or contented enough to do so, but, one day, also while a visit to the toiled was making me feel safely "isolated", I began to sing a children's song I had just learned at school....then she cried at me I had no right to sing and it was a sin to feel happy enough to be able to sing while my own mother was so sad and miserable.....I might be about 7 years old then.

She also told me and keeps telling me now, when I am 44, that I don't have a right to be alive, that I was born "brain or mentally invalid", so I was/am not acceptable as an Earth dweller and that I was born "unworthy to be loved or cared for by anyone".... new Ajax.InPlaceEditor('cedit_1675555', '/ajax/edit_entry_comment.php', {rows:5,cols:60,callback: function(form, value) { return 'c=1675555&e=487926&comment=' + escape(value) }});
H2O2 H2O2
5 Responses Mar 28, 2009


Sometimes being raised by an abuser we don't know any better and accept them even later in life. We must never accept the abuse. You have had a Mother that is emotionally, spiritually handicapped, she is an ABUSER. There is no excuse for what she did to you or does to you. You have to not believe the lies. It is a process of recovery but with God, friends and a support group you can come out of it. You might want to consider finding a DVA (Domestic Violence Abuse) support group. Having been raised in a DVA home myself I know you can get free, you can not change others but you can help yourself be healed. We are here for you, also. Blessings and Shalom (Peace that passes all understanding.)

OMG: What a sick person your mother is. She took out her misery on you and you did NOTHING to deserve it. Cut her out of your life, get some counselling and realize that what she said had NOTHING to do with YOU. I thought my mom was bad, and she was, but your mom takes the cake for crazy! Get help now! You have spent half your life living a lie! You deserve so much better. Everyone deserves to be happy! We are all worthy. Your mom is just very sick. Don't blame her anymore. Move on and make your life what you want it to be. I am so sorry........We all care.

Ok...your mom is really sick..just like dewduster said....You need to stay away from her and go fill your life with happiness so that your mother sees herself as the awful person she is...and that she never deserved a wonderful daughter like you!

your mother is sick. Get away from her. <br />
What are you doing know? The very best revengewould be to have a good life...D